C spivey: I would like to welcome Dr. Wendy Hanovold

  Dr Wendy H: We aim to be effective and successful parents. yet we bump into obstacle after obstacle 

  Dr Wendy H: We believe if our child would change how we react to our child. yet the only chance the child has to succeed is for us to change first 

  C spivey: what are the first things that we should do

  Dr Wendy H: to parent effectively we need to display an attitude of acceptance, a sense of humor, empathy, and a sense of wonder and curiousity 

  cathy: - has joined the chat -

  Dr Wendy H: We drag our children to therapist, read books, watch super Nannies and go home and do the same things over and over again. We need to change first 

  Dr Wendy H: We need to believe that our children are doing the best they can 

  Dr Wendy H: They have learned to survive and are working to survive based on the maps they have used in the past 

  Dr Wendy H: flooded with fear , stess and pain. It will take a long time for them to trust (inside and out) and learn it is safe to take a new path

  Dr Wendy H: We need to accept our parenting errors are errors not failures 

  Dr Wendy H: We need to judge our effectiveness by both material and non-material standards 

  Dr Wendy H: We need to measure our children from where they are-not where they should be 

  Dr Wendy H: Each child is a single case study-progress is measured within themselves not between others 

  Dr Wendy H: We need to accept that love is not enough. Love and security is the sanctuary within which complex trauma begins to heal but is is not enough. we need skills and knowledge to be effective 

  lorraine: - has joined the chat -

  Dr Wendy H: Parents need to ready themselves to be a guide on our children's journey to healing. But remember healing does not mean that our children may not have terrible scars or walk without an emotional limp 

  Dr Wendy H: The key change agent for our children is you-the parent 

  Dr Wendy H: The key change agent is the relationship between the you and your child. This relationship can actually change the brain. (Read Goleman, Siegal, Van Der Kolk, Shore)

  Dr Wendy H: Parents need to educate themselves about attachment, trauma, and development. 

  Dr Wendy H: All foster/adoptive/kin/counselors need to be knowledgeable about the concept of Complex Trauma 

  Dr Wendy H: Complex trauma involves seven spheres; 1. Attachment 2. Biology 3. Emotional/Mood regulation 4. Dissociation (sense of detachment from emotions or the body) V. Behavior Control VI. Cognition- attention-processing-intention, VII Self concept (low self esteem, shame)

  C spivey: what is the name of the book/books of the authors that you just spoke with us about

  Dr Wendy H: A child can have challenges in 1 to 7 spheres from mild to intense  

  Dr Wendy H: Books; Social Intelligence-Golemen, Siegal has several books especially good is parenting from the inside out 

  Dr Wendy H: Shore and Van Der Kolk are best in small bits  

  chatadmin: What advice can given given to the parent who is parenting alone? We see more and more single moms or dads trying to take on the challenge of being an effective parent.

  Dr Wendy H: Would you like some magic hints for effective parenting? I can introduce three easy concepts that are much harder to apply in real life

  C spivey: yes

  Dr Wendy H: 1. Make statements -do not ask questions when working with challenging behaviors. Statements take away the opportunity to lie. They reduce anxiety.  

  cathy: Dr.Wendy, what can we do as parents of children that may misbehave just to get attention?

  chatadmin: I understand that the task isn't easy. We just see more and more singles wanting to parent and often alone..

  Dr Wendy H: Give them attention- children do not misbehave just for attention- they usually are feeling stressed or scared 

  Kim: Dr. Wendy could you finish the three steps and give us and example for each?

  Dr Wendy H: 2. Do not ask why -when processing negative behavior-this word sets off a stress reaction, or a shame reaction. Again limit questions. Or if you must use when, where, questions not why 

  Dr Wendy H: 3. Promise to never base your reaction on the false premise that the child is trying to CONTROL or MANIPULATE - our children are not this sophisticated 

  Dr Wendy H: Even if you they are being controlling or manipulating- this is an ineffective parenting stance because it simply sets off control battles. If I feel controlled than I want to fight- not respond with empathy 

  Kim: Dr. Wendy What about children with severe control issues?

  Dr Wendy H: What are they trying to control- it's not you 

  Dr Wendy H: They are trying to feel safe, reduce stress, reduce their feelings of shame. Most of the time- they are not even truly aware of us 

  Kim: If they are in control of everything does'nt this cause stress?

  Dr Wendy H: Remember - many children and youth who come into care are challenging or spirited youngsters. Your job is to learn how to connect. It is not hte child's job to want to connect with you. 

  C spivey: what suggest do you have to aid the parents when they are dealing with a very out of controlled, controlling child?

  Dr Wendy H: Yes- being in control causes stress-but choose your battles carefully- make sure your discipline has a purpose and is designed to meet your child's emotional age Plus is modified to meet their damaged spheres of trauma 

  Dr Wendy H: Parents- first have to check out their own reaction- take a deep breath, recognize your feeling. What button did your child just push. Put your thinking brain in motion 

  Dr Wendy H: second- calm the child- you have a scared, crying baby. do not use shame. Let the child know thay are safe and cared for 

  Dr Wendy H: third - limit stuff- you will have a hard time being in charge of privileges if the child has a tv, computer etc. in their rooms.  

  Dr Wendy H: Fourth-remember do not ask why- these children do not usually know why- their behvior and thorughs are frgramented. Make statements do not ask questions if at all possible 

  Dr Wendy H: Stay focused on the behavior-ignore tone and attitude and stick with the behavior first. You can deal with tone and behavior when the situation is deescalated. 

  Dr Wendy H: Always reconnect and repair- do not go to bed angry 

  Kim: What if tone and attitude are the behavior that needs to be changed?

  Dr Wendy H: When they child is not in a dysregulated state- tell them how the tone and attitude made you feel. "I felt hurt when you called me a name" 

  Dr Wendy H: a child who is under stress cannot discuss their tone or attitude- it is physiologically impossible to calm a child if you are dysregulated. Figure out what it is about the tone/attitude that really gets to you. What buttons are being pushed in you. (shame, embarrassment, right to respect)

  C spivey: it is about time to start wrapping things up, do we have any last questions, for the doctor?

  Kim: What does dysregulated mean?

  Dr Wendy H: Again the ability to stay regulated is based on a foundation established during the first years of life 

  lorraine: You have given a lot of helpful infomation. Thank you so much. 

  Dr Wendy H: dysregulated-losing it-not thinking- matching feeling with feeling 

  Dr Wendy H: you are so very welcome 

  lorraine: - has left the chat -

  C spivey: Thank you, for the information, you always have wonderful insights for us

  cathy: Thanks for sharing and have a good night.

  Kim: Thank You Goodnite

  Dr Wendy H: Goodnight and be well on your parenting journey