Fostering_Positive

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lisa s: Dr. Hanevold, let's go ahead and begin. Perhaps others will join us shortly.

Drwendy: Adoptive parents often become confused about the word attachment

Drwendy: they have heard the word Reactive Attachment Disorder and come to believe that every child has RAD if they are struggling to bond

Drwendy: Yet children in a new setting should be expected to have attachment challenges

Drwendy: They are in a world of strange people, strange sounds, strange smells

lisa s: How can a parent differentiate between what might be typical childhood behaviors and an attachement issue?

Drwendy: Time is a key variable. Parents often fall in love with a child but the child does not reciprocate the bond. Parents need to remember what it was like to have a crush on someone that did not know you existed.

lisa s: I am sure each child is different, but at what point should a parent become concerned?

lisa s: To those of you just joining us, Welcome and you may scroll to the top to read the transcript thus far.

Drwendy: Parents need to have read the classic books about development and adoption. Examples of classics are the Gesell and Ilg books on stages of development. Adoption classics include the work of Melina, Gray, Keck and Kupecky

Veda: Hello Dr. Wendy. Could you provide parents with some of the things they should look for in a therapist for their child/family...perhaps questions they should ask the therapist.

Drwendy: It is essential to remember that every adoption means the parent is bringing home an emotional newborn

Drwendy: Parents are always the key change agent in therapy that focuses o building a positive attachment. ATTACH has a great list of interview questions. However, if you are not in the room 95% of the time, you are not working on attachment in therapy

Drwendy: It is also essential for parents to separate consultation and coaching from therapy

Drwendy: Many parents just need coaching and information to help their children move into a deep and enduring bond

Drwendy: Parents have to become the expert on their child. No therapist knows all the answers for your child.

Veda: I certainly agree. For parents, could you describe coaching/consultation vs. therapy briefly. thank you

Drwendy: Therapy (to me) is prescribed when a disorder or serious challenging behaivor is present in the child (or parents). Based on the best available intervention, a treatment plan is designed and the therapist plays more of an expert role.

Drwendy: Coaching is more educational. It can be used for secondary prevention (helping a small problem stay small) or guiding parents how to enter the world of conscious or therapeutic parenting.

Drwendy: I believe all adoptees have unique and shared issues. Adoption is not the same as becoming a biological parent. This is not bad or good. It just is.

lisa s: Dr. Wendy, what is the youngest child you have counseled with attachement issues?

Drwendy: Infants. I never counsel the child. The family unit is always the focus. I am working to design or help direct a healthy dance between family members.

Drwendy: Even an infant -can sabatoge the dance if they have experienced trauma (medical, abandonment, abuse etc)

Drwendy: I assess attachment processes as part of a global assessment of strengths, challenges and needs.

lisa s: Are the infants more often than not through international adoption? Or is it common with domestic adoptions also?

karen: Drwendy, good evening. What about the therapist who insits on working alone w/ adolescent and then doesnt really involve the fam?

Drwendy: This gets tricky, I believe that infants and mother's connect in utero. Losing your primary biological parent is always a challenge or at the very least a life long complicating factor.

Drwendy: Adolescents are also tricky. So let me answer this in two parts.

Drwendy: Part 1: If an adolescent was adopted as an infant and has been diagnosed as struggling with an individual problem than individual therapy may be respectful for their developmental stage.

Drwendy: However, if a child was adopted as an older adoptee or is struggling with adoption/connection/identity issues, the family should be involved in therapy on an regular basis.

Drwendy: Teens often benefit from adoption groups that include other adoptees and adult adoptees

Drwendy: Parents of adopted adolescents also have complicated leaving home issues and may need to deal with grief, loss, and confronting the reality of the teen's sexuality and fertility (especially if they are infertile adoptive parent)

Drwendy: It is essential that parents identify their child's emotional age.

lisa s: Each family situation is different. However, if there a common "sign" that a family may have to deal with attachment issues?

chatadmin: Wendy.. Could you explain this last point..esp..the teen's fertility and the issue leaving home Dr.

Drwendy: Common signs of trouble are. 1. family has lost their sense of humor 2. Parents are fighting with each other about the child (splitting) 3. you feel like you are living with a stranger

karen: Drwendy,parents might be able to indentify their childs emotional age, but must live with the freedom their legal age presents.

Veda: DrWendy, could you briefly give 1-3 examples of types of attachment issues you have seen with Infants; children; adolescents that only required coaching/consultation?

Drwendy: There are many more signs of trouble.but they are unique to each family. Just remember the child may be pushing everyone away. Many of our children are more comfortable with distance.

Drwendy: Adolescence is a tricky time. For many of us (adults) and the teen we become aware of differences in appearnce, interests and goals. Some folks struggle with their teen's sexuality but the fertility issue is more subtle. Our teen has the potential to bring up old infertility pain and losses.

Drwendy: I don't agree that parents must live with the freedom of a chil's chornolgoical age . Many an adoptive parent designs interventions that really match a younger child. For example, when children arrive from orphanages, a line of sight approach is often suggested. Many attachment residential facilitaties focus on graded priveleges.

lisa s: Dr. Wendy, could you answer Veda question about examples of attachement issues you have seen? Thank you.

Drwendy: Many attachment issues that "just" need coaching occur during the first six months of a placement. Parents should plan for months of disturbed sleep etc. as they adjust to their "emotional newborn".

Drwendy: Other attachment issues focus on claiming. Getting the child to see the parent as a parent. Eye contact, touch, checking in. Our children are floating (sometimes for years). They will often not become naturally grounded. They need their parents to be conscious parents who design a plan to help them plant roots.

Drwendy: Children have disturbed sleep, appetite, fears, and outwardsly negative behaviors.

Drwendy: I teach that adoptive parents need to come prepared to become conscious or therapeutic parents (often for a life time). Negative behaviors may have many meanings. Some will need to be ignored. Choose your battles carefully. Safety first.

Drwendy: Whenever possible, try to guess the "reason" for the negative behavior and respond to the reason.

Drwendy: For example, a child who steals food may be stealing attention, they may have been hungry, they may be emotionally starving etc.

Drwendy: Remember many of our children are much more comfortable with chaos or even negative emotions. they are afraid to trust. Work hard to stay calm when disciplining your child. They love pushing our buttons. They push, we go off, we both lose.

Drwendy: Our children often have good reason to be defiant. they are protecting their inner core from further loss and rejection. We always need to check out ourselves first. If the defiance is really getting to us, we need to explore why. Remember, they are the child and we are the parent. This is the essence of becoming a therapeutic parent. Therapeutic parents react differently than "typical" parents when faced with defiance. They see defiance as a problem to be solved. Nothing personal.

Veda: I know this may seem obvious, but what are some of the signs that indicate a child is attaching and that the Parent(s) is too?

Drwendy: A child is beginning to attach when the "dance" between the parent and a child begins to have many circle or loops. The connection stays over time. Eye contact is deep and meaningful (at appropriate times). The parent and child are courting each other and both are interested in connecting.

lisa s: This may be way off base...but have you ever had a situation where the child attached, but the parent had a problem?

Drwendy: Positive attachments are invisible but they are so very real. If you ever get stuck, remember courtship, dating and then one day you want it to be forever. Something changed but it is invisible to the human eye.

Drwendy: My attachment assessment includes interviews and self-report scales that explore the parents's attachment strengths and challenges. We all can grow. And many a child has helped a parent gain trust and connections.

karen: Do you see a day when the Attachment therapists will accept Medicaid? Is there a reason they are not allowed to now? now?

Drwendy: I consider myself an Attachment therapist. I accept Medicaid. I believe you are talking about the Attachment Therapists who work via intensives (3 hour daily sessions ) for one or two weeks. Medicaid is very strict on allowed services. I have no idea if they will ever ok intensives.

Drwendy: Building positive attachments can really be fun. Parents just need to stay with the senses (sound , sight etc) and build connections.

Drwendy: For example, reading to a child in a rocking chair, works with sound, touch, kinesthetics, smell (yes we all smell) and sight.

lisa s: You are right about children loving to push our buttons. I like the idea of being a "therapeutic" parent.

Drwendy: Attachments are usually not fostered via words. Our children have heard too many words and promises. We usually do better in shared activities, special silences and magical moments

lisa s: Dr. Wendy, I have found the rocking chair works as a calming effect when my pre-schooler is having a "melt down."

Drwendy: The nice thing about attaching through the senses is that we all can use this approach to connect with our child and our inner child. Whenever you feel stuck, don't use a word, think of a sensory modality and connect with that instead.

cindy: what steps would you take to go from a parent to a therapeutic parents?

Drwendy: Rocking is marvelous-again it has smell, touch, sound and kinesthetic approaches.

Drwendy: You have to believe that you are a therapeutic parent. That adoption is often different than biological parent. Therapeutic parents are also studying , learning, working as part of a team and hopefully enjoyin the challenge (sometimes)

Drwendy: Building positive attachments is a journey. You cannot fix what you did not break. You can only help children bloom where they are planted. with you.

lisa s: We only have a few minutes left with Dr. Hanevold. Are there any additional questions before we end for the night?

Veda: Thank you DrWendy for sharing with us tonight. The information you've shared has been helpful as well as reasuring.

lisa s: Thank you Dr. Hanevold. Dr. Hanevold can be contacted at 404-929-9947.

lisa s: Everyone, please remember that you may print a copy of tonight's discussion from our archives in the next day or so.

Fostering_Positive_Attachment with Dr. W. Hanevold

Thursday, the 5th of June 2003