chris: Yes, my wife, Andy (Andrea) and I have been foster parent\s for 9 years, and raised our own children as well.
chris: We have fostered close to 40
Shannon H: That's a long time. What ages were your children when you began fostering?
chris: We have two grown sons who came up thru the f/c experience with us, and we now have twin 6 year olds.
chris: Our older sons were in high school, about age 18 and 15
Shannon H: How would you say they adapted to foster care? how much preparation did you do with them prior to being approved?
chris: We always involved the boys in our decisions to bring a child(ren) into our home -- they had to agree, and we talked a lot with them about what might be expected from a new face in the house
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chris: We tried never to upstage our own sons by bringing in someone slightly older who would take over the dominant role
Shannon H: did you notice any concerns-spoken or not- with them?
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chris: they had some of the expected apprehensions, can I protect my own belongings, will they interfere with my schedule or my position with my parents -- we vigorously reassured at every opportunity, and they were actually very receptive and supportive.
Shannon H: with the younger ones, what do they say about foster children coming and going?
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chris: We haven't had much 'traffic' since we adopted, I guess DFCS knows the addition of two little ones represented a sizable PERMANENT load, but we do have a 15 year old who has been here 21 moonths, and they look up tp her as a big sister -- they rreally worship and imulate her, and bug her too
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chris: are veru flexible when here 16 year old brother comes for the weekend every two weeks
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chris: cept foster placements close to their age right now, because they need to feel they have a very secure position in the family.
Shannon H: that is great! Has there ever been a time when your children came to you and asked that a child be moved? Sometimes it is hard for personalities to find their place with one another.
chris: oops! what I said was, we would not accept...
chris: We have neveer had that occurence, although WE, Andy and I, have had to ask for children to be moved because of incompatibilities, but not because the kids asked us to do it.
Veda: Hello Chris. A number of parents considering doing foster care while parenting biological children have wondered what some of the challenges might be. What have been some of yours, or the one or two that you would want other parents to be aware of? ?
cindy: what are a few questions that you would suggest to prospective foster parents to talk with their birth children?
Shannon H: How do your children handle it when the children leave, under any circumstances? Do you see a period of grieving with them or have they been able to stay connected with some of the children?
chris: It is very important to find out all you can about a child's history before you agree to take them -- some foster homes can deeal with traits that other homes can not
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chris: There can be a grieving period, but children are more resilient than grown-ups. The biggest losers can be the foster children who, by leaving, may be going home (Hurray!), or may be losing another situation and going to yet another strange place.
cindy: how do your children deal with the differences in discipline?
Shannon H: Referring to Veda's question, what have been some of your challenges that you think might be good for other foster parents to know?
chris: I think one of the biggest challenges might be ages too close together -- older birth or foster children take on a leadership role, \in our exoerience, and the younger ones tend to look up to the older, regardless of which group of kids is in which role.
chris: It is very important to establish, maintain, and constantly work to improve lines of communication within the family -- everyone must know they are welcome to ssay what's on their mind -- it is so important for getting to conflicts before they become insurmountable.
Shannon H: How are you able to 'mainstream' disciplinary methods? Or do you?
chris: don't really have that much difference -- for the most part, what works for one set works for the other, too. Discipline is, by definition, teaching, and there are lots of "legal" -- and very effective -- ways to teach
chris: One has to be careful of differential treatment -- it sends a lot of wrong messages
Shannon H: Are there questions you can suggest to prospective foster parents on how to talk with the children in their home about fostering? How did you manage that?
Veda: Another discipline question--What types of discipline techniques have worked best for you and your wife? Love and Logic? Anything you'd strongly suggest?
chris: Ask them if they are willing to mke room in their homes and in their lives for someone who needs a place to stay for awhile, and remember, many placements only last a short time. And your children, depending on their ages, can understand much about helping others. Remember, don't give young ones too much information, because 'kids say the darnded theings' Your own children need to know a lot about what to expect behaviorally from foster kids who might hoard food, stuff themselves, all the things we learned in IMPACT training
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Shannon H: How do you talk to them about introducing new foster siblings?
chris: r acceptable and unacceptable, the thing that gets attention is to take away something they want, a toy, a priveledge, time on the computer, their ipod, favorite shows... We use time-out for the little ones .. it depends on what is important to the child .. we had one who was devastated if she could not go to the nail salon...
Shannon H: at school/church or with friends?
chris: very matter-of-fact and upfront, but simple ... this is Judy, and she will be staying with us for a little while, until some things get worked out
chris: it is sometimes very hard for some to remember confidentiality issues. As foster parents, we acquire lots of information that we need, but is no one else's business.
Shannon H: That is very smooth. I am glad they don't distinguish them as 'the foster child'.
Shannon H: Have your children dealt with negative comments from those in the community? I know as foster parents, you get a mixed bag, but have they ever had to contend with that?
chris: We have not had that experience. I guess maybe the world has grown up a little, and can better accept things that used to be difficult
chris: et groups go to different schools.
chris: my last comment said children of different ages go to differnet schools
Shannon H: Was there ever a time when your children became concerned that they would one day have to leave the home, or were they able to understand the concept of foster care vs adoption vs birth child from the beginning?
chris: has anyone asked a question i have not answeered? ?
chatadmin: Chris, what suggestions can you give to families can help them make a foster child more comfortable during holiday time?
chris: We have not had birth children worry about leaving, but we have certainly had foster children apprehensive to leave, and sometimes justifiably -- it's not always a nice world out there.
Kim: How have your birth children reacted when a foster child would leave?
Veda: Chris when a new child comes into the home what has worked better, explaining rules, routines, and structuring them or being more laid back with house rules? ?
chris: in our home the same at holidays and birthdays. Somketimes we get helped with this from DFCS, sometimes we just have tio do what we can on our own
chris: my comment said we treat allthe children in our home the same...
chris: Our sons have always been very laid back about a foster child leaving, they realize it's time and the right thing to do
chris: rules, but we do not try to issue a code of conduct -- we explain basics, and go from ther as needed
Shannon H: Now that your boys are grown, what is their perspective of your family having fostered for a good part of their youth? Have they said much about that? I was curious about how they view it now?
chris: re we spelled out our expectations, consequences and rewards, and our contributions to the deal.
Veda: Just going back to the Holiday time question,,,how have you handled the grief and loss that a child might experience being away from their family at the holidays? ?
chris: supportive. One son's fiancee became interested in social work as a result of seeing our home in action, and she now has anMSW degree, and works for DFCS in another region.
Shannon H: I am not surprised. You have touched numerous lives immeasurably, and you have certainly taught your children a loving, self-less way to live. Foster parents are the best!
chris: Holiday grief and loss can be sad, but we treat the condition with lots of love and as much tenderness as they will feel comfortable with (usually a lot)
Shannon H: We are nearing the end of the hour. Are there any other questions out there?
Ngreen: I agree! you have covered and answered most of the questions I would have asked.
chris: When you can incorporate birth family, even grandparents, extended family, etc into holiday season visits or correspondence, do it (unless restricted by DFCS) Phone calls, cards in the mail (with pix), face-to-face, whatever.
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Veda: Thank you Chris. Your suggestions will benefit many fostering and considering becoming foster parents.
chris: I am pleased if I have been helpful in any way for any of you. chris.butzon@gmail.com
Shannon H: Chris, you have been very informative and we appreciate it so much. Your insight will probably help alot of folks who are considering fostering make the final decision. Thanks so much for all your wonderful insight, advice and humor! It is greatly appreciated!
chris: My pleasure
cathy: This have been a very positive look at parenting foster children and your child. Thanks Chris!
Kim: Thanks Chris you have given us great information Thank you for what you do for children . Good night
Shannon H: Thanks to everyone who joined us tonight! Many blessings! Goodnight!