Gigi: - has joined the chat -

  drwendy: I am a clinical psychologist with a private practice in the North Druid Hills/Briarcliff area....

  chatadmin: - has joined the chat -

  drwendy: I am an adoptive parent of two young adults who were internationally born.

  drwendy: My work is attachment based and solution focused

  cindy: Welcome to tonights chat

  JudyR7: - has joined the chat -

  cindy: what are some of the problems that seem to happen this time of the year?

  JudyR7: hi

  drwendy: Our children seem to divide into two basic groups...

  drwendy: One group of children have some positive memories...

  drwendy: thus the holidays are bittersweet

  drwendy: Group 2 has negative or minimal memories. these children often appear lost and confused during the holdays...

  drwendy: they build their image of holidays from tv, dreams.

  cindy: DrWendy do you have some suggestion to help families through these times?

  drwendy: Step 1: Parents have to be good at reading feelings...

  drwendy: They can not assume a child has a certain feeling...

  drwendy: Cindy- should I continue?

  drwendy: Parents need to acknowledge all feelings as OK..

  drwendy: Often parents have their own dream image of holidays ...

  drwendy: thus we may miss the child in front of us in exchange for what cannot be...

  JudyR7: When a child is having emotions, such as anger, how do you know where the root of the anger is from?

  drwendy: Older children who have memories of other holiday celebrations should be asked to let you know about a favorite food or tradition.

  Shannon H: - has joined the chat -

  drwendy: You may never know where the root of the anger is from. Our children have been cheated out of living lives with a competent set of birth parents which is every child's birthright...

  drwendy: They have often been neglected, abused, abandoned..Why shouldn't they be angry?

  drwendy: Many children will work hard to sabatoge our holdiays.. so get ready

  drwendy: Be careful you do not feed the anger. Do NOT add a ton of extra chores. Do NOT ask our children to give one of their own toys to others unless they volunteer.

  drwendy: Go slow. Stay in touch with your feelings and your child. Stay attuned.

  Shannon H: And I would imagine there's the basic "teaching" of how holidays are done in your home. It may be the first time they have experienced some of the things we take for granted, correct?

  drwendy: Great idea. Plan ahead. Preview family routines and traditions....

  drwendy: Read books together, go to the Nutcracker .etc.

  drwendy: Focus on people, fun BUT especially if a child is new to your home -prepare extended family members as well as your child.

  JudyR7: What is your recommendation as to how to help the child not be overwhelmed by large family gatherings? We usually take walks to break up visits and try to stay with smaller groups rather than in the middle of the masses. Any suggestions?

  drwendy: Include children but do not order them to have fun..

  drwendy: Use photos (if possible) to introduce new family members. You may have to sacrifice your special time to help a child through a large gathering. Be very careful about letting children who are new to you alone with groups of chidlren..

  drwendy: Our children are vulnerable to teasing, stupid comments and sometimes (theough rarely) serious misbehavior.

  drwendy: Watch favoratism- Plan ahead if you see trouble coming...

  drwendy: Build a privacy fence around adoption issues. ..

  drwendy: Be prepared to refuse to answer nosey questions.

  Shannon H: It can be delicate work frying to find out what the triggers are, but is asking about their past holidays in a straighforward manner too bold? The simplest things can trigger raw emotions, For example, a soda can being popped sent one of the foster children I knew into hysterics. We learned later that that particular noise meant the beginning of a drinking binge that invariably turned the holidays sour in his birth home.

  Belinda: - has joined the chat -

  drwendy: For some children, a direct questions is no problem..

  chatadmin: What suggestions would you offer to a family whose foster child is struggling with a parent in prison?

  drwendy: For others - go slow, ask about a favorite food or present.

  drwendy: Acknowledge all the feelings- sadness, angry etc.

  Shannon H: I can imagine the "overwhelming" relatives might need some coaching too.

  drwendy: Check visitation rules, ask the child if they want to make a card, send a gift.

  cindy: - has joined the chat -

  drwendy: Let children know that they have christmas/chanukah is prison.

  drwendy: There are children's books for children who have a parent in prison. Books help children feel less alone.

  drwendy: Back to coaching relatives- Everyone needs to educate friends and family about adoption-adoption language etc...

  Shannon H: I'm thinking of the relatives who demand--in a good way--the children all come and kiss them. That could truly freak some kids out. No harm intended of course.

  drwendy: Be careful about letting strangers (relatives are strangers to our children) touch, hug, put children on their lap (even if the child wants to go. ..

  drwendy: This is not good for our children. they need boundaries...

  Shannon H: But we all have them.....

  drwendy: I would tell family and friends, that you may not pick up or hold my child without asking me first.

  drwendy: THis is especially true for children new in our homes, children with a history of trauma.

  drwendy: Two other common holiday issues is sugar and stuff...

  cindy: sorry I was reading the chat log to catch up

  drwendy: Sugar- It is not fair to fill your house with food and then try to overpolice intake. A child is not stealing if they take a cookie- they taking a cookie....

  drwendy: Stuff- consider spreading christmas across 12 days ...

  drwendy: or give a gift on Christmas and the days between Christmas and New Years...

  drwendy: Chanukah and Kwanzaa already have multiple days...

  drwendy: Give gifts of you- trips, movie passes, puppetry arts suscriptions...

  drwendy: Many of our children cannot handle the onslaught of stuff, jealousy and so forth.

  Shannon H: In regard to sugar intake. I was thinking in terms of health that even something as seemingly small as getting their medication on time to counteract any inbalances that could result gets to be tough at the holidays. Schedules get so crazy, things get forgotten.

  drwendy: Medication, meals, exercise, routines- for both our children and ourselves

  Shannon H: Keeps everyone sane!

  drwendy: I know it sounds like a TV movie but we can miss the experience of the holdays if we care too much for outward appearences

  Shannon H: Incredible planning goes into just getting foster siblings together if they aren't in the same home.....

  drwendy: Our children live such compicated lives and we join them in their journey...

  drwendy: complicated lives (sorry- I am not a typist)

  Shannon H: Same goes for adoptions where there's an open relationship. Any tips on how to manage that?

  drwendy: Remember if children have contact with birth parents....

  drwendy: many promies may be made. If you have two children...

  drwendy: one may receive gifts and one may not-get ready...

  cindy: any suggestions on combining birth families with the adopted families and help it go smooth

  drwendy: If one child receives gifts from birth parents/ family and another does not do replace the missing gift....

  drwendy: accept reality and that life is not fair. .. If a birth parent makes promises..

  drwendy: and they do not follow through. Do not interfere than you become the bad guy...

  Shannon H: Maybe having a few extra presents on hand in case there aren't enough for the "new" kid?

  drwendy: Acknowledge the child's wish for the parent to deliver and then be there to hold and care for your child.

  drwendy: I would be careful if the purpose of the extra presents is balance.. since the balance is more complicated than material goods.

  drwendy: Re: combining birth and adoptive families- it depends on all members of the adoptive triad.

  cindy: We only have a few more minutes any last questions?

  Gigi: My son's brother and sister came to live with us 2 days before Christmas several years ago. We had photos of all the family members that they were going to meet over the next few days. I think that helped a little.

  Shannon H: It helps put a name with a face, if nothing else....

  drwendy: Please enjoy your holidays and make beautiful memories. Remember connections are often in the silences shared.

  Shannon H: - has left the chat -

  Gigi: Thank you, and have a wonderful Holiday

  cindy: are there any more questions?

  chatadmin: Thankyou Dr.Hanevold. You provided some delicate insight that parents can benefit

  JudyR7: Thank you for your guidance. Goodnight.

  drwendy: I'm rereading a line. Remember do NOT replace a missing gift. sorry.

  chatadmin: Can benefit from.

  drwendy: Again blessed holidays.

  cindy: thank you Dr. this was very helpful you had such great suggestions

  cindy: Hope you have a merry Christmas and happy New Year

  cindy: If you have any question Wendy please give me a call......T

  drwendy: Thanks again and good night

  cindy: thank you again for being here

  drwendy: - has left the chat -