Holidays_and_the_Adopted_Child_with_Lyn_Liphart,

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Veda: Welcome everyone to The Georgia Center's monthly CHAT. Tonight we are pleased to have Lyn Liphart, LPC. Lyn is an adoptive mother as well as a professional counselor. She is married and has a teenage son and daughter. Lyn specializes in working w/traumatized children. Tonight Lyn will chat with us about triggers that bring about various behaviors in children---especially during the holidays. WELCOME Lyn.

Veda: Lyn, would you begin by sharing with us some of your experiences with children during the holidays...what are some of the most common triggers parents should be aware of?

Lliphart: Children pick up on our stress, so naturally we can expect them to be more active during holidays. This is true for all children.

Lliphart: The holidays can have different meaning for children that have been in care. Previous holidays may have been spent with birth family. In most cases, those will be positive memories, triggering feelings of loss.

Veda: What are some of the suggestions that you have for parents who have a child who is struggling with loss during the holidays?

Parent 5: Lyn, How can parents help their children through times when the children are feeling loss?

Lliphart: I would encourage all parents to frequently check in with their children on how they feel. This teaches them that all feelings are OK. Simply say, "You seem a bit sad today. Am I right?"

Lliphart: I also think it is helpful to talk to them about their memories with birth family--for those adoptive children who remember them.

chatadmin: I have often heard that children who have been abused might be distressed by some of the smells of the season, especially if parents are drinking at parties, for example, and the child unexpectedly smells the alcohol on their breath.

Parent 5: I am sure a sense of loss will always be with children who are adopted when they are older, but do the "triggers" lessen some over time?

Lliphart: Absolutely. Smell is probably the strongest sense that evokes memories. You may not always know what triggers a memory, but you can repond to what you see on your child's face, or in their behavior, which is how they communicate best.

Lliphart: I would imagine that all triggers--for all of us--lessen with time, experience, and brain development. The therapeutic process will help children put things in perspective over time. I remain hopeful that most people--and certainly most children--turn out fine.

andreas: Does it help to begin new traditions with the child, or make sure they feel part of established family traditions?

Lliphart: I think there is value in both. I believe strongly in building a family identity ("We are the Smiths!!!"). When an adoptive family has birth children (or older adoptive children), naturally there will already be established traditions. Children can incorporate those AND build new ones.

Anna G: We just had a problem a few moments ago; my grandson kicked my husband in his head. Several things are going on right now. Malcolm's mother abandoned him; now she has given birth to a baby girl whom she appears to be trying to raise. Malcolm's mother is one of our adopted children. We adopted her and her siblings. Now we have permanent custody of him. We have a psychologist now, but she won't get to test him until 12/17/02. What can we do until then?

Lliphart: How old is Malcolm, and how long has he lived with your family?

Anna G: Malcolm is 9. He will be 10 on next Friday. He has basically been with us forever. Only twice did his mother try and rear him away from us.

Parent 5: Lyn, the holidays are such a strong family time for most. Do you believe adopted children possibly think "I really do not belong" with this family? Or perhaps visiting relatives give this impression and thus a response is triggered?

Lliphart: I would imagine that Malcolm is feeling anger and loss on several levels. Can you imagine what it feels like to be 9, know your birth mother left you, yet is trying to raise another child? Because you are safe, you are the target of his rage. First of all, I would remind him that everyone must be safe. If you or anyone in the family is in danger, you have a right to get help from the police, a doctor, etc. If he is out of control, I wouldn't attempt to transport him anywhere without help. If he is out of control, contact the police for assistance.

Veda: Lyn, in your experience with families/children which holidays seem to produce the most sadness for children who've been adopted? Are there other behaviors parents should be aware of?

Anna G: What is so horrific to us, beside this being bad behavior is the fact that my husband was injured in a car accident and his head was put back together. A cold could kill my husband I don't feel endangered yet, but this child is full of rage.

Lliphart: I'll address Parent 5 now, and we may go back to the previous question later. I definitely believe that many adoptive children often wonder if they really belong--even if they were adopted in infancy. They can see family resemblences in birth relatives that they don't see in themselves. For many children this thought comes and goes, but I do believe it is there for many.

Lliphart: Anna, I want to address your situation fully, so I will answer Veda's question first, since it is more general and less complex. Personally I believe birthdays are the toughest for most adoptive children. Even children adopted in infancy have powerful feelings at birthdays, often describing their feeling as "empty". They have little awareness that it is connected to their adoption. Those who have spent time in care often remember a special birthday with a birth parent, helping them deny the difficult times in their childhood.

Lliphart: Anna, I don't want to oversimplify your very difficult situation, but I'd like to give an idea or two that may help you until that first therapy appointment. Can you create an "angry" book for Malcolm? Encourage him to go to his quiet place in the house where it is kept. There he can scribble, write, or draw to help him get the rage out. Tell him this is his personal book, and no one is to read it but him.

Anna G: Thank you, your comments about his birthday and the fact that he was abandoned is something that I know happened,but I focus on the fact that life goes on. I will do the angry book. I believe this will help. He is very creative.

Lliphart: It certainly isn't a cure-all, but it is helpful for many children. Simply noting that he if feeling angry may help. You do have a right to set limits with him (calmly, preferably before the fact) and to be safe.

Anna G: My birth daughter is ill at this time and I have been on auto pilot. I am sorry about my behavior

andreas: That idea could apply to all children--have them make a special journal for when they feel sad, lonely, confused, etc to express their feelings.

Lliphart: Wow. Sounds like you have lots of people who depend on you. I hope you are spending just as much time taking good care of you.

chatadmin: Some families with open adoptions have visits at Christmas and birthdays. What advice would you have for them?

andreas: Walker County has Fourpoints--an agency that supervises visitations of all kinds. They also teach life skills to parents, kids, etc.

Lliphart: This is difficult, and admitting that to yourselves is a start. Expect behavioral changes. Focus your energy only on safety issues and let the "small stuff" slide, as you don't have enough energy to tackle everything. It is especially important to take good care of yourselves. (That goes for you, too, Anna!) Give the kids peanut butter sandwiches and take a nap!

Parent 5: Lyn, you mentioned birthdays as a difficult time for some children, even for those adopted in infancy. I am trying not to bury my head in the sand, but I have alot of difficulty understanding that.

Lliphart: I understand. This first hit me when my own son turned 18. He made a poor choice that evening, resulting in significant consequences. It didn't dawn on me at the time, but in the state he was born, that date signified the time he was eligible to contact his birth parents.

Veda: Some families utilize Lifebooks during these times with their children. How have you utilized Lifebooks in working with children experiencing the feelings we are discussing this evening?

Parent 5: This may seem like a strange comment, but can you talk about adoption "too much" to your children. Be "too open" about the whole proceess?

Lliphart: I love lifebooks--especially when they are an ongoing process. This is a powerful way for children to work through difficult issues in their current developmental stage.

Anna G: I don't know what Lifebooks is. I will also look for an agency like the one Andreas mentioned

Lliphart: My kids often laugh at me and tell me everything isn't about their adoption. That is true. A lot of "stuff" is just about being a kid. The fact that they can discuss that with me is good.

Lliphart: There should be several books about lifebooks in the lending library. They are really scrapbooks about a child's life, both before and after their adoption. While adoptive parents, foster parents, etc, may do part of the work, I believe they are most valuable when the children actively participate in the process.

andreas: I hear parents in the support groups discussing developmental vs adoption issues!

Lliphart: Absolutely. Sometimes it is hard to pull apart the two. I see the biggest "triggers" in children when have spent a great deal of time in care.

Parent 5: What is the best way to handle family that is visiting for the holidays and the family does not treat the adopted children or foster children the same as any birth children?

Anna G: I too beleve some issues are developmental. No I do not attend a support group

Lliphart: That is hard, and very unfortunate. I would do my best to validate my child's reality, and explain that that some people don't understand the special love and connections in their family. That is their loss.

Veda: Lynn, would you address developmental vs. adoption issues as it relates to triggers at some point? I believe this would be helpful to Anna and Andrea.

Lliphart: Anna, I would encourage you to talk to your network advisor to get some support--even a telephone buddy would help. It must be difficult to be in your position, feeling alone.

Lliphart: I will do my best to boil down some major issues into bullet points! Children below the age of 8 have "magical thinking". They think that their thoughts, wishes, or behavior control events (such as "step on a crack, break your mother's back). Children don't begin to think abstractly until sometime in their teens.

Veda: We do have information on Lifebooks in the Lending Library at the Center. This information may benefit those of you who want to know more about Lifebooks and how they are used with children.

Lliphart: One reason the teen years are difficult for ALL families is that while their bodies are grown, teenagers lack adult brain development. They need to make lots of mistakes in order to gain the experience needed to assist their brain in developing. This is hard on all families.

andreas: Does the learning have to be mistakes? And not educational, informational good knowledge?

chatadmin: Parent 5, With the question of relatives who are not kind to an adopted child, I would also limit the contact with them if they can not change their behavior towards the child. Explaining to them that they are hurting a child whom you love as part of your family.

Lliphart: we learn by lots of methods, not just mistakes. With teenagers, it often seems that is the main way!

Lliphart: I agree. It would be very difficult for me to have a pleasant holiday if my child was devalued.

Parent 5: This had not happened in our family, but some friends of ours adopted a child of another race and there have been issues.

Veda: We have an excellent book in the Library that can be given to extended family to assist them in their understanding of adoption issues. Might help some relatives...

Anna G: I am the advisor in my area, and this job has been a tremendous aid. While looking for resources for others I often find the help that we need. Even so, I feel as if others my age do not carry the burdens that I do. The last comments about your children being devalued an limiting contact is very powerful

Veda: Re: book, not off hand, but call me and I can get the title for you.

Lliphart: I think the most powerful way to teach your children NOT to be prejudiced is to talk about it--and how it hurts.

chatadmin: Blended families and adoptive families seem to be very much the same in dealing with holiday issues, visits (in open adoption), etc.

Anna G: I think in an effort to do everything perfectly during the holidays especially for relatives we don;t see often may make us forget our power and our main charge as parents being to protect our children from all harm

Veda: Lyn, it seems we are coming to the end of our hour with you. Are there any other questions for Lyn?

Lliphart: Yes. I would forget chasing the "perfect" holiday. As in parenting, all we need to be is "good enough"!

Anna G: Thank you so much Lyn. Have a Happy Holiday filled with peace and love

chatadmin: Lyn, that is an important point. Thanks so much for being with us.

Lliphart: I enjoyed this very much. Adoption is an issue for important to me--and very dear to my heart. Get the support you need, for those days you really need a shoulder. I have been there!

Veda: Ms. Liphart, THANK YOU for sharing so much benefidcial info. with us this evening. Thank you again for being with us this evening.

Lliphart:

Thank you. I hope you all have restful, calm, and "good enough" holidays!

Veda: Ms. Liphart has provided a list of books that she recommends for reading in this area. I will post them on the Bulletin Board for all that joined us tonight. Good night everyone.

Holidays_and_the_Adopted_Child_with_Lyn_Liphart,_L.P.C.

Tuesday, the 3rd of December 2002