Honoring Sibling Relationships

The opinions and statements made in this chat session belong to the individuals posting them and appear in unedited form to promote the free exchange of information. However, they may not represent the views and/or policies of the Georgia Center for Resources and Support.

Noreen: Hello--Dana, Do you want to Introduce the topic--for the record.

Dana Wylie: Let's begin, tonight we will dive into a discussion on maintaining sibling connections

Dana Wylie: How does the loss of contact with the bio family or siblings affect children ?

Noreen: From my experiences, chldren with different experiences act differently--some are just glad they are out of a bad situation initially others are scared, afraid they will forget their birth families faces, others are afraid to ask about their birthfamilies for fear this will make someone angry.

Dana Wylie: What are fome reasons for maintaining contact with birth families or siblings?

Noreen: If children are alone in a foster family for the first time, they may think that they are being punished and everyone else is still together.

Noreen: Hi Judy--We were talking about reasons to maintain contact with birthfamilies and siblings.

Dana Wylie: How should parents handle childrens feelings during this difficult adjustment

Noreen: I believe that children need to have the good influences in their birthfamily valued--it's like saying--your birthfamily is okay and they are important--you are part of your birthfamily and you are important.

Noreen: Hey Shannon--I am a firm believer in talking about memories and making sure kids know that their memories good and bad are okey.

Dana Wylie: The foster/adoptive parent should reinforce the good and not focus so much on the negative

Noreen: I guess certainly listen to whatever is said, reflect and ask how whatever made them feel.

Noreen: If a child starts talking about a good experience make it obvious that you are glad they are talking about their experiences, whatever they are.

Shannon H: What is the best way to help siblings placed in adoptive or foster homes far apart maintain the contact they need? Is this a focus in training the foster or adoptive parents?

Noreen: About 10 years ago, I saw an adoptive mom in individual therapy and her biggest problem was that her son from another country would cry about his mother--because he was worried that he would forget her face--how she looked. This woman had no way of getting a picture.

Noreen: Shannon--I was thinking about email if they are school age. This would have to be monitored but maybe a specific time each week a family emailing session would help.

Shannon H: Like somehow the proper bonding won't take place if they remain connected, when actually the opposite is true.

Noreen: I think that adoptive parents are worried about bad influences --supervision is the key--but also a lot of support from a case worker that believes in the contact

judy: What is your recommendation in an adoption situation where the bio family is extreemly disfunctional, but other siblings are involved.

Noreen: During the adoptive training--IMPACT--it would be helpful to have a family with birthfamily connections to talk about their experiences and how it worked--what were the hard parts--how they handled it.

Noreen: Judy--If the bio siblings are in foster care, those connections should probably be maintained with supervision.

judy: Yes. The grandparents have the sibling but the whole bio family has a very disfunctional situation but one child was eventually allowed to stay with a grandparent.

Noreen: I guess, the importance is the sibling relationship--and making sure that the connection is there with proper care regarding safety.

Noreen: Also making sure that your child feels comfortable talking about the sad piece of this contact for him--his siblings don't have much--they have soo much freedom--they curse--just talking about it like they were any other family friends.

Noreen: i think Dana asked about behavior problems after a visit---I would expect some reactions--remembering what it was like before they were separated.

Noreen: Being sad--being angry--why are they not with their siblings. If I didn't see a reaction I would be surprised.

Noreen: I really worry when visits with siblings are stopped because of a reaction to the visit.

Shannon H: what can be done if there is no reaction? That can be pretty scary.

Noreen: i would hate to put words in my child's mouth but try to give him or her some examples of feelings after you see someone you love--that you haven't seen for a while.

Dana Wylie: It was hard for my family to send children into a situation that we all were certain was unhealthy

Noreen: I would probably want neutral ground for a visit until I really was sure the level of safety or supervision.

Kim: My children always had lots of problems when they visited with the unhealthy side of the famiy, they actually have a very good relationship with a maternal aunt.

Dana Wylie: I would transport my sisters to her mothers home, it was not a healthy situation at all. It was hard for me to leave them there

Noreen: Those good connections say so much to a child about the goodness he or she has inherited.

Noreen: Those unhealthy situations--did you just want to hang around and keep them safe?

Dana Wylie: I felt that I was not protecting them by leaving them there. I was fearful that something would happen. They were eventually physically abused there and the visits were stopped

sonya: My daughter looks forward to visiting with her siblings. Often she cries for hours after she returns home.

Kim: Do you think there are situations when it is best to stop visits with siblings?

Noreen: That is hard to watch as a mom but thank goodness she can feel bad and let you see that.

Noreen: Kim--I think that there would be situations that would be unsafe. Probably email or telephone calls or short visits would be more healthy for a while--depending on the age. I would think just keeping the connection with your mind on safety.

sonya: My worry is that my sons think that she doesn't want to be around them. Sometimes she may say things such as that out of anger.

Kim: The reason I asked is that I have been to trainings when the therapist said it was a good idea to end some relationships.

Noreen: Sonya--is your daughter angry with you when she returns --does she talk or just want to be by herself.?

sonya: She often will talk with us. For days she will state she wants to go visit her sisters.

Noreen: I guess, in my mind, if there are terrible memories or abuse--then termination of a relationship may be in order. Also, keeping a relationship going with a parent supporting and protecting and modeling good parenting probably makes most sibling relationships salvageable to some extent.

Noreen: Sonya--Wow--that must feel really bad--especially to your other children. You may want to talk with her about how that makes you all feel.. Maybe you and she could have 15 or 20 minutes an evening of mommy time to talk about her sadness.

sonya: She did not experience any abuse. She never lived with the birth parents and she never lived with her sisters. Her sisters were adopted also by my daughters first foster parents. We have agreed to let the girls visit.

sonya: I try to have mommy time with her. I probably should do it more often.

Noreen: Sonya, I am sorry, I misunderstood. They are her sister--she never lived with them--she has brothers in your family?

sonya: Yes, they are her birth sisters. She has two brothers (my birth sons). She is the oldest. The dynamics get complicated.

Noreen: Sonya--she did not live in their home--and her sisters are together. My daughter used to get very angry that she had brothers instead of sisters--she wanted me to get rid of them.

sonya: She never lived with them. They are younger than her. I think she does get angry with the boys, because they like to play rough and she enjoys the times with her sisiters, to do girly stuff. Unfortunately the girls adopted mother does not bring them over to our home alot. It is usually my daughter going there to visit. Her excuse is she is "busy". So am I!

Noreen: Can you--you and your daughter do girlie things with them? I am sure that it hurts to not be with them because girls do enjoy other girls, especially between 7 and 14.

Dana Wylie: I am sorry but our time is running out, please send your final questions,

Noreen: Your perseverence will be appreciated by your daughter certainly.

Noreen: Sonya: My daughter is 19 and last year she told how glad she was that she has brothers--it does happen!

Shannon H: This has been a good chat. It shows that alot of the circumstances our children come from are far more complicated than they seem. Thanks for all your insight, Noreen!

Noreen: I really enjoyed the questions and feel like basically connections need to be kept so that when kids are adults they can find each other and work through whatever they need to work through.

Dana Wylie: I would like to thank Noreen for so all of her helpful information. I think we could continue longer but I am sure Noreen has had a long day. Goodnight and thank you for joining us.

Honoring Sibling Relationships - Noreen Horrigan

Tuesday, the 8th of August 2006