How to Make the Holidays Special for Your Adopted Child

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Belinda: Kathy, what do you see as being a concern for the adopted child through the holidays.

Kathy Baer: Concerns for parents for their children vary according to when they joined their family and what history transpired before they came into their forever homes. If a child joins their family in infancy or near infancy their issues will be different. All children over the age of 7 or so begin to wonder about their biological family at varying levels. For those who have a memory of people in their lives before their adoption need that validated in some tangible way. Maybe someone would like to offer a scenario from their own family to help us talk more specifically.

Belinda: Kathy, I have an adopted 10 year old who remembers her birth parents and 5 birth siblings very well. Through the holidays, she has a difficult time dealing with not knowing where some of her siblings are and if they are happy and being cared for.

Kathy Baer: In the meantime, let me make a few comments. Most of you already know the importance of keeping lines of communication open so that your child truly knows it is okay to talk about their adoption. Thank you for the example of your 10 year old. She carries with her a lot of sadness ALL THE TIME but more pronounced over the holidays. No matter what the circumstances of her family falling apart and being dispersed, there is still that initial and all important bond with her biological family - a connection, regardless of how dysfunctional that was a part of who she is today. I will continue but wanted to send this portion to let you know I am not asleep. Ha!

Kathy Baer: It is like a part of her is missing. Even if she has some contact with one or two of her "first" family, she still feels connects to what has become her phantom family. She will, over the years build a fantasy about them and who they are and their involvements. Often children block out painful events and tend to focus on what I call "off reality". Therefore, it is important to initiate conversation with her about what she thinks they might be doing today even thought she has not seen them.

Veda: Some families like to start new traditions or blend new with old (what the child brings to the family)depending on the age of the child. If we have no other scenarios perhaps Kathy, you could talk about some of the ways in which adoptive families can assist their child during the holidays. Also are there some holidays that seem to be harder than others?

Kathy Baer: Christmas seems to be the overwhelming holiday that pricks at the heart of most people who have suffered some kind of loss. Birthdays are the other powerful day in a child's life. There is so much built up in the media over being together with family at Christmas. Some children do not have memories of traditions that they could bring into their new families. If they do, it would be extremely important to include them in your family. Specifically, if a child has family they remember but no longer have contact, they need opportunities to do something concrete. One example is to begin a scrapbook of each holiday they spend that included pictures, stories and drawings of what took place for them. It is a memory book they may one day be able to share with their biological family/siblings years down the road.

Kathy Baer: The parents need to reinforce the importance of building a memory book that they can later share. It should be done specifically with that goal in mind. It is a way to "talk" to their siblings about what is going on in their lives. For them it is building a bridge to those important to them that they have lost.

Belinda: Do you feel that it is more difficult for an adopted child, who has been adopted by a family with birth children, to feel that they are special during the holidays.

Kathy Baer: As much as parents do to show abundant and "equal " love to all their children, it is very difficult to convince children through adoption that they are just as special. Some children even verbalize their perception of noon equality. ?Talking to them and letting them know that you know they may feel that way helps validate their feelings even though the reality for you is that you feel no differently towards either child. As they get older and can beging thinking in more abstract terms, you can point out just how much they were truly wanted by you. You made a conscious effort to embrace them totally.

Kathy Baer: It is definitely a process of years. The arrows that wounded their spirits before they came to you need healing balm over and over again. At each stage of development they begin to process the same issues from a different perspective.

Gigi: We "adopt" a child through our church and let our son be in charge of all the gifts for his adopted "buddy". He gets to approve all the gifts and oversees the gift wrapping. He feels that he is helping some one in the same boat. He really looks forward to this.

Kathy Baer: Sometimes stating what you think they may be thinking or feeling is such a relief, even if they don't validate you may possibly understand what they are feeling deeply inside.

Kathy Baer: Gigi...I like that idea. Is the child your son adopts to send gifts also an adopted child?

lisa s: Ms. Baer, do you think adoptive parents can over emphasize the "whole adoption thing?' ....

lisa s: I mean maybe they just want "to be like everyone else." And not ...

Kathy Baer: Some families also "adopt" of sponsor a child from another country . children work to save some of their allowance to send to that child for their basic schooling...they can write letters, etc. Other families have had their children involved in the Angel Tree program that gives gifts to children whose parents are in prison. The requests are specifically from individual children...so purchasing that gift is truly what that child wants.

Gigi: I never even thought about the child situation. I always assumed that the family must be going through a hard time. That might be something I could look in to. Thanks for the idea.

Kathy Baer: Absolutely. You can overdo "the adoption thing". There are times in a child's life where they do not want to be any different that their friends and do not even want their friends or classmates at school to know they are adopted. It is very important to let your child know that their adoption story is theirs to share when they want. If they don't want to, you need to assure them you will honor that request. It is very natural. However, always give a little opening that it is always an "okay" subject between you and your child. Sometimes you need to throw the ball at them but not to bombard them constantly.

Belinda: I agree. Sometimes when we feel our child is troubled about something ! ? ! ? we automatically think it is an adoption thing when it could be just a KID thing.

Kathy Baer: Another idea to help your child deal with losses they feel more intently at Christmas is to together make two ornaments (or more) they can put on the tree as a "gift" to their lost sibling or parent...knowing that one day they will be able to keep them either for their own tree when they grow up or to share with a member of their birth family someday if they have the opportunity to see them again. it gives them some hope and fun with you in the process.

Kathy Baer: Belinda...I was saying that we always need to be alert that kids ALL go through times of discouragement, frustration, feeling down or bewildered. it is a part of growing.

Belinda: Kathy, our time is up. Thank you for sharing these ideas and information with us.

Kathy Baer: Another idea for older children is to help them communicate in written form...letters, poems, cards to those they wonder about or are worried about. even if they cannot be sent...or should not be sent at that time, they can be kept in a memory box to be shared at a later time, if appropriate. I have enjoyed talking. I am very glad we have spell check. Smile!!! Kathy

chatadmin: Good Nite everyone. I'll need to archive the chat when you sign off.

How to Make the Holidays Special for Your Adopted Child - Kathy Baer,MSW

Thursday, the 4th of December 2003