Let's Talk 'Open' Adoption - Sheila Reynolds

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Sheila: Well, TRUE open adoption is always child centered. It involves ongoing communication between the adoptive and birthfamily.

Shannon H: But as you know there are several definitions of what openness is. What, in your opinion, is the best type of relationshiop between the parties involved?

Sheila: Excellent question. In my opinion,, I believe the best type of relationship is fully identified, face to face contact on an ongoing basis.

Shannon H: Can you touch on the benefits of openness to each person involved?

Sheila: As you might imagine, Gigi, open adoption has gained quite a bit in popularity. At Catholic Social Services, approximately 99% of our birthfamilies want some kind of open relationship with the adoptive families. They are mostly concerned abouth the welfare of their child---wanting to make sure that the child knows that he or she was placed for adoption out of love. They want to be able to provide any information that may be of importance to the child and/or the adoptive family

Sheila: The benefits for all involved include the removal of all secrecy and mystery. No one has to wonder or guess about the circumstances around the adoption. Everyone is aware of the medical and social information. The birth family can have the assurance that they made the right decision. The child can have a visible "picture" of his/her heritage.

Shannon H: I would imagine openness takes alot of the mystery away from the whole idea of adoption, and alleviates alot of fears and concerns as well as misconceptions about placement.

Gigi: Have you known of any birthparents changing their minds after several years of the child being with the adoptive family? I have heard of rare times when the birthfamily has gotten leagel support and terminated the adoption.

Sheila: Most certainly. I would like to add that most of us that are not adopted, take it for granted that we have a connection to our birth family. People that we see everyday that may look like us, have the same mannerisms, interests perhaps, etc.

Shannon H: I think the current trend is toward open adoption. Birth families are becoming empowered to become a part of the process instead of being just the 'donor', so to speak.

Sheila: This is EXTREMELY rare, although, it may seem as if it happens often, because the media pumps it up. There are various laws in each state that determines when legal rights are terminated with birth families. Most of the time, adoptive parents' rights are overturned when the proper legal work has not been done with the birthfather. When the proper counseling has been done with the birthfamily, the birthparents have made a solid decision and are resolved in their decison for adoption.

Sheila: Another excellent questions. Birthgrandparents are often very involved in the process with a younger birth mother. This has proven to be especially helpful.

Shannon H: And at CSS, the birth parents get to choose the family for their child, correct? They can come away knowing they did all they could for their child in the decision making process.

Sheila: Yes. This is very empowering. The birth parents take an active role.

judy: Do you find that adoptive families change their mind and stop contact after a year or so of contact with the birth family?

Sheila: Believe it or not, our families have found that the downsides to openness is that the birth families don't staty in contact with the families as much as the adoptive families would like.

Gigi: Your right about the meida blowing it up. Even alot of the parents that I work with try to keep their children somewhat in touch with the "Tummy Mommy".

Sheila: No Judy. We haven't. After involvementand training,our families embrace openness and understand the benefits for their child.

Shannon H: Can you tell us the most common misconception regarding openness?

Sheila: Yes Gigi. Its unfortunate that the media plays it up so and provides a somewhat distorted picture.

Sheila: The most common misconception is that opennness is co-parenting. It is not

Sheila: The adoptive family is clearly the parents. The birthparents have given the responsibilty to the adoptive parents and their is genuine respect.

Shannon H: What is done in the case of a very young birthmom who is still in the custody of her own parents? Who makes the final decision on openness if one feels good about it and one does not?

Sheila: Generally, we try to encourage the birthgrandparents to listen to what heir child requests and help to support that. As we educate the adoptive family about the importance of openness, we educate the birth family. Of course, as a young birthmom, she will need her mother to take her tto visits, etc. We've seen a lot of times where the birthgrandparents will have more of the relationship than the birthmom

chatadmin: Sheila,can you tell us the reaction(s) of the child who has entered their teens.

chatadmin: What are some of the feelings they have shared about open adoption.

Sheila: Well, if there has been ongoing contact with his/her birth family, what I understand is that most adoptive parents allow their teen to decide how much contact they want. As you might imagine, as a teen, their time may be a bit more focused on developing relationships with their peers.

Shannon H: Are other cultures who use your services as embracing about the opennness piece, or is there more work to do in this area?

Sheila: At CSS we don't have open relationships that have existed to the teen years, so my answers are based on research. From what I remember, the feelings of the teen are they are appreciative of having that connection and it is a normal part of who they are. It's a bigger thing to those outside of the family than them.

Sheila: I don't see a big or the moost part, all families come in with a bit of hesistation and fear. Wondering how in the world can this openness stuff work. But it is refreshing to see the transformation and acceptance frrom our families. They are the biggest proponents of openess to other families

Sheila: Sorry. I don't see a big difference for the most part in different cultures, all families...

Sheila: Yes. Most families are very skeptical. Very few families come in totally accepting the idea of openness, but by the end of training and talking with other families who have open relationships, 95% of the families are VERY open. Meaning they have faceto face meetings with the birthfamily several times per year

Shannon H: What books or other information would you encourage a couple seeking to adopt to access regarding this option?

Sheila: I would encourage all families to do as much research as possible to decide what is best for their family. Research all the options. One book I would recommend is The Spirit of Open Adoption by Jim Gritter and Children of Open Adoption by Patricai Martinez Dorner and Adoption NAtion by Adam Pertman. There is a ton of information on the web as well that can help folks decide. Just remember that true open adoption is about the child. What will be in the best interest of that child. We have adoptive families calling wanting to open up their adoption. Their child is 8, 9, 10 years old and wanting/needing information and contact.

Sheila: Yes Gigi. Open adoptionis the only adoptiontraining we offeer. We believe that is in the best interest of our children. We empower and help our families --both birth and adoptive--to devvelop healthy boundaries and positive relationships for the benefit of their child

Shannon H: Are the face to face superivisions ever supervised and by whom?

Sheila: Yes Gigi we handle the placement and training. We also provide post placement support for both the adoptive and birth families.

Sheila: Yes. We do have situations where we supervise the visits. We never place our families in situations that may not be safe.

Shannon H: Are there situations where there are issues that allow only first names to be used and neutral locations for the supervision sites?

Sheila: Yes. We have rare situations where a mom may have severe mental health issues and we talk with the family and share all the detail and recommend that visits be supervised and structured.

collins: Has their ever been a time where the child ask to stay the night with the birth parents. and if so what was the out come

Sheila: We help both families to develop boundaries and healthy relationships. We recognize the complexity in this type of relationship, but remain very committed to our philosophy

Sheila: I'm not aware of a situation as such, but I can say we have some very positive relationships where the birth parents babysit their child for the adoptive family. Another situation where the child was in the wedding of his birth mother. It is so great that the adoptive family embraces the birthfamily as an extension of their family. That is openness at its finest!

Shannon H: How can you help the older children who are now seeking openness?

Sheila: That's another great question.Of course if the child is not of age, it would need to be initiated by his/her adoptive family. At CSS, we provide this service at the request of the adoptive parents. We provide intial counseling and support for both the adoptive and birth family before opening up the adoption. We have actually had 2 situations like this within the past year. Both were VERY positive. Unfortunately one situation, the birth mother had died, but the child was able to meet her birthgrandparents and other birth relatives.

Shannon H: Well, we are just about out of time already! Thanks so much to Sheila Reynolds from Catholic Social Services for her vast knowledge of open adoption. You were a wealth of information! Besides checking out your website, how can we get in touch with someone at your organization?

Sheila: Thank you. It was a pleasure. If you would like to discuss further, feel free to contact me directly at 404-885-7467 or Electra Evans at 404-885-7275 and we would be happy to provide you with more information

Let's Talk 'Open' Adoption - Sheila Reynolds

Monday, the 28th of February 2005