Nurturing Growth: Building Positive Attachments- S. Jain, Ph.D

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DrJain: Thank you! I am delighted to be here and look forward to our chat.

cathy: Dr. Jain, could you tell us what age groups you usually work with? ?

cathy: Our topic tonight is "nurturing new growths and building solid attachments"

Shannon H: Do you work with alot of internationally adopting parents/children?

cathy: Dr. Jain, what length of time does is take before you can see results with the family? ?

DrJain: Some. Most of my work is with foster and adopted children. I am an adoptive parent too

DrJain: The length of time depends on both the child and the parents, particularly what we might call 'goodness of fit' between them

DrJain: The work with infants mostly involves helping parents to understand the infant's temperament and provide appropriate stimulation.

DrJain: This is a concept that comes out of the work on temperament, a very important concept that we don't talk enough about. When the parent's and child's temperament are complementary, there is more harmony than when they clash. For instance, a baby may have an erratic rhythm of feeding and sleeping, but if a parent is highly structured and scheduled, they may have difficulty adapting to the baby's changing needs.

DrJain: It can be a challenge! As parents we can become overly committed to an abstract concept of how things "should" be, instead of working with the information our babies are giving us.

DrJain: So, we work on understanding the infant's temperament and helping parents to shape their expectations and demands to be compatible witht heir infant's temperament.

rosalief: when working with families that have foster children and that same child has moved a couple of times. How do you try to bring it together for the new family and child?

DrJain: No. Parents often refer themselves directly. I often do brief consults and become an ongoing resource for aprents as they encounter new challenges. I also have pareting workshops.

Shannon H: In re to the parenting workshops; are they formatted for adoptive or foster parents specifically? Many times, my families will share that parenting classes are too geared toward biological parents and they feel out of place.

DrJain: Children who have moved often are like trees that have been uprooted adn replanted several times. The root system has not developed and so the child cannot 'take in' the emotional nutrients he needs, just as a tree cannot take in water and soil nuttrients without a healthy root system.

DrJain: So, our first focus has to be on helping the child feel safe and open to receiving.

DrJain: I have specific workshops for adoptive parents, as well as general ones.

cathy: What do you mean when you say that attachment is the 'template' for future attachments? ?

favring: how can I help the siblings in my home ... the oldest parents the younger 2 and they in turn seek out the oldest for instruction ... often skipping my husband and I ... how can we reasure them that they dont have to fend for themselves any longer ??

DrJain: Yes. Sometimes I schedule workshops for particualr agencies and then also offer open ones.

rosalief: when working with teens that have been placed late... are you finding it very difficult to help them develop attachments to the new home?

DrJain: What a great question! Oldest siblings are often 'parentified' and are not familiar with what is appropriate for their age. Give her/him another identity, activities and roles that they begin to value and enjoy, Parentified children often become anxious when they are about to lose the 'power' of this role, as uncomfortable as it ca be.

favring: so we are on the right track by "allowing" him to continue to "help" with certain activities eg cleaning their room while drawing a line in the sand with other activites such as dressing or bathing ??

DrJain: Yes. Teens placed late have developed such a defensive 'crust' that protects their inner fragility. I find that parents often double up on their expectations, believing that they have only a short time to prepare this teen for adulthood. I spend much time debriefing parents about their beliefs regarding this. Those who are willing to be open do betetr and help their teens more.

Shannon H: I would imagine the need to parent would diminish as trust increases........?

favring: I would hope so too Shannon ,,, but it has been several years and we still run into this issue on a regular basis

DrJain: Certainly. Perhaps you can excpand the roles and activities to things outside the home, thigns that children do, like sports, art, etc.

DrJain: Once trust develops, your child may need you even more, now that they are open to receiving your guidance and nurturing

rosalief: have you seen very many success with children in these tough situations?

DrJain: Oh, Yes! It is quite amazing how things can change. I do beleive that it is msotly up to the parents. Paradixically, the more you accept things the more they change. It's when parents get into power struggles or want change NOW that children get stuck.

Laveda: Dr. Jain, do you or your staff work with families in the home, in their own environment? Also, do you videotape parent's interactions with the child and vice versa or ever considered doing that?

DrJain: Yes, we do work with families in their homes. This is some of the most powerful and effective intervention we do. We can videotape and have done so. Our agency is approved to provode Medicaid funded home based intervention.

favring: Dr Jain, my brother lives with us is here now he wants to know if there is anything that you can suggest to extended family members to encourage that "family" bond

DrJain: Extended family can be very helpful, both in supporting the parents and in giving children the opportunity to experience adults in fun, unpressured situations. Atatchment can be strengthened by these experiences.

DrJain: I work with a family who has helped a 17 year old severy traumatized child adapt to their family mainly thru involving her in visits with extended family and sharing of fun times.

Laveda: I have found videotape to be very powerful for parents. What have been your findings or experience with this technique? And would you use this over other techniques to reach parents or teens?

Shannon H: I would imagine videotaping and reviewing them shows progress or lack thereof, right?

DrJain: I have found videotaping most helpful when it is clear that the parties involved are not able to 'hear' how they sound or come across to the other. It makes them more self-conscious, which is very helpful sometimes.

pnbrown: Well...I am relatively new to this chat room and I ask that you all forgive me if i violate any established protocol. BUt my question is when it seems like nothing works not even the system, what are we supposed to do as parents?

DrJain: I have been with so many families who have experienced that 'end of my rope' feeling. The 'system' is not imaginative and not designed for any particular individual. Unfortunately, the mythical 'typical' child they address doesn't exist! Look for mutual support and advocacy. We advocate for families very often adn look for creative solutions. sometimes it works very well.

cathy: What do you mean when you say that attachment is the 'template' for future attachments? ?

DrJain: The first atatchment of a child - usually to the mother - teaches the child about how well they can trust others to meet their needs. From this first relationship on, children are like little philosophers, creating their inner 'philosophy of life'. For all of us, this has to do with how we meet our needs and how we protect ourselves from harm.

pnbrown: I have a set of twin boys that are 16 and they both have relationships with older women and this relationship causes them to want to be in control of my house. It seems like all the laws that are in place are for their benefit and protection, which I understand...but it tends to let them seemingly have control over every situation. They are the ones with the law behind them so that they can do anything they want whenever they want, with no consequences.

pnbrown: They have the right to quit school, yet I am responsible for them until they reach 18

rosalief: thank you sooo much Dr Jain for the helpful advice. I am also very glad to know that you can do home intervention.

DrJain: Without knowign their history, I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but I do hear your frustration. I hope you will seek some advice and guidance from professionals.

cathy: How would we be able to receive some literature on your services? ?

DrJain: You can call Pathways at 404-378-2300 or email at pathways@bellsouth.net

DrJain: You are welcome. I hope I was of some help, despite my inability to type without making errors!

Nurturing Growth: Building Positive Attachments- S. Jain, Ph.D

Monday, the 30th of August 2004