Nora Harlow: Hello.
Nora Harlow: I first became interested when I founded a daycare center and then taught there for 12 years.
Veda: Was there an experience that you had while in that setting that brought you to this field?
Anna G: - has joined the chat -
Nora Harlow: After that I was an editor for medical publications for physicians. One was Sexual Medicine. I wrote about children and sexuality. Then I published a book on Childcare. Then a second book on sexuality.
lisa: - has joined the chat -
Nora Harlow: No, particular experience with the young children except a deep concern for their welfare.
Nora Harlow: What got me very interested in making this my life's work was an interview I did with Gene G. Abel, M.D.
Nora Harlow: He was an expert on child sexual abuse prevention or CSA
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Anna G: Mrs. Harlow, I have a question, if I am not interupting
Nora Harlow: We have recently written a book together. The Stop Child Molestation Book: What Ordinary People can Do In Their Everyday lives to save 3 million children
Nora Harlow: Yes, Anna
Anna G: What is it that makes children that have been sexually abused seem to destroy themselves
Anna G: even when they have been given a good life
Nora Harlow: Could you explain what you mean by "destroy?"
Nora Harlow: Many children are able to weather this storm with support from their parents.
Anna G: They would not finish college, they drank heavily
Anna G: They would not finish college, they drank heavily
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Nora Harlow: Did these children have therapy?
Anna G: They work but they throw their monry awayOnly one
lisa: Ms. Harlow...in your experience, what is the BEST way to deal with a child who has been sexually abused?
lisa: especially young children
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lisa: especially young children
Nora Harlow: Most important. Assure them over and over that is not their fault. They are important to you. You will protect them.
Nora Harlow: Don't be fearful of talking to the children about their concerns.
Veda: Nora, what insights have you gleaned from your experiences that you feel parents need to be aware of?
Nora Harlow: Don't assume that you know their concerns, but let them tell you.
lisa s: Would you be concerned about children who are in denial...never discuss that anything happened?
lisa: good advice, thanks
Nora Harlow: Keep in mind, some children don't discuss the incidents because they aren't bothered by them at the moment, especially if they are very young.
Nora Harlow: When they are older, they may get upset and then want to discuss this, so you must be available.
lisa s: So just let it go, until they come to you and are ready to discuss the abuse?
Nora Harlow: insights: treatment is effective and available for sexually abused children including children who sexually abuse younger children
lisa: I'm concerned that when the child gets older, they use sex as an outlet...is this typical or do we just hear about these more
Shannon H: What is the best way to help children who talk a bit too much to friends and find themselves increasingly isolated from the group.
Nora Harlow: lisa, stay attentive, tell them you are the mommy and you are here to help them and you are capable to help them, but, still, don't force.
Nora Harlow: shannon, i assume you are saying, they talk to friends about being molested.
Shannon H: The particular child I am thinking of is somewhat mentally challenged and is ont doing it to shock, but to simply share their life experiences in the hopes of fitting in, but of course it has the opposite effect at times.
Shannon H: Yes they discuss the particulars of their situation.
Nora Harlow: mentally challenged children often need help in understanding what is appropriate sexual behavior or talk
Nora Harlow: they also need help in learning the social consequences to them of behaving in a manner that is too open when with friends
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chatadmin: Nora. What can you suggest to parents wo are seeking professional help for their child... What do they need to look for in a therapist?
Nora Harlow: this is a problem that intellectually disabled peole have in many areas
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Nora Harlow: seek an individual who is experienced, who is willing to listen to the child without intruding...
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Nora Harlow: on what the therapist thinks is important...
Nora Harlow: who has the child's best interests above the interests of oftheers...
nicos_mom: If I know that my child has been sexually abused, are there things I should do or help I can get to make sure he doesn't become someone who molests children when he grows up? I know this sometimes happens.
Nora Harlow: at the Child Molestation Research and Prevention Institute we are most concerned with early diagnosis ...
Nora Harlow: CSA children are at high risk to sexually touch others...
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Nora Harlow: and they may be developing a serious life-long problem...
Anna G: Even though my daughters are grown women now and they did not get the help that they needed as children, is there anything that I can tell them now
Nora Harlow: At our web-site:www.stopchildmolestation.org we keep a national list of sex-specific treatment providers.
Nora Harlow: many of them are here in Georgia.
Nora Harlow: We also have a list of questions for parents to ask therapists before making an appointment
lisa: do you have a preference...individual vs. group therapy?
Nora Harlow: With therapists, evaluate. Just because you go once doesn't mean you have to stay. you must find the best for you and your child
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Nora Harlow: Anna, it's never too late to tell them it's NOT their fault. Could never be. They were just children...
Anna G: Thank You
Nora Harlow: It was the adult's responsiblility to protect them from being sexualized as children. The adult failed.
Nora Harlow: You can vow to protect their children. To help them do that in every way.
Nora Harlow: lisa, many people need both...
Nora Harlow: The impt. point: get a sex-specific therapy. Get a CSA victim therapy from a specialist
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Nora Harlow: We know that traditional therapy is not helpful with people who have a sexual interest in children...
Nora Harlow: This is caused by a disorder that develops early--a sex drive toward children...
cindy: does it help the older child to be able to talk about this with peers who have been through simluar abuse?........
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Nora Harlow: with an sexually acting out older child, you need an evaluation with a sex-specific therapist
Nora Harlow: Is the older child the abuser or the victim?
Nora Harlow: Cindy, which one?
cindy: the victim.
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Nora Harlow: For the victim, yes, because they realize that other children share this experience and they are not alone...
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Nora Harlow: Since CSA is secret, most children don't know that, for instance, in every 8th grade classroom, there are probably 6 girls and 3 boys who have been sexually abused.
Shannon H: If one is uncertain of any sexual abuse in their child's background, are there 'signals' that past abuse has occurred that are more subtle than others? Another individual I am aware of has a ten year old that spends what she feels is a great amount of time touching herself. While she finds this unusual, she doesn't want to jump to conclusions. This is her only child. Adopted at four years old.
Nora Harlow: And in that classroom, one boy is already sexually abusing younger children
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cindy: how do you handle a situation where the child talk about it as if it was cool or jokes about it even with peers?
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Nora Harlow: shannon, great question. first know what is normal childhood behavior...
lisa s: Is it a feeling of "power" over the younger that child that causes CSA to abuse another child? I have a lot of problem understanding this. How and why would they do to someone what was done to them?
Nora Harlow: Toni Cavannagh Johnson, PhD has written an excellent booklet on this. ..
Nora Harlow: get booklet at www.TCAVJohn.com
Nora Harlow: Shannon, it's normal for children to self-touch. they start at 18 months....
Nora Harlow: what you describe is a warning sign, especially if the child has been repeatedly told to stop, but they continue
Nora Harlow: if they touch in public after being told no. Bad sign
Shannon H: I agree. She is just concerned that, to her, it seems over and above the norm. She finds her doing it whenever she is upset or seems to want to self comfort.
Nora Harlow: lisa, power plays a part. young children do no have the sense of societal norms and being touched is pleasurable and makes them the center of attention...
Nora Harlow: lisa, some children are simply modeling the behavior that was done to them...
Nora Harlow: They don't necessarily have bad intentions. ..
Nora Harlow: Still, this can cause problems for the child they are sexually touching...
Nora Harlow: Of more concern, the severely sexually abused child who sexually abuses others...
Nora Harlow: This child may have identified with his ork her aggressor as a means of dealing with his severe upset....
Nora Harlow: That means that to deal with his fear, he becomes the one who will sexually touch someone smaller...
Shannon H: A way of gaining some control, without intent to harm?
Nora Harlow: This child needs a sex-specific therapist who specializes in sex drive and can truly help...
Nora Harlow: Shannon, yes.
lisa: I know of a child who was sexually abused, multiple times...by different indivuiduals over many years. Though sh ehas been in therapy, much of her life, she has taken on the "victim" role....and now "searches" for victime roles...
lisa: what can we do now?
Nora Harlow: lisa, we know that the greater the number of times the child has been sexually touched the more severe the problem and obviously this person needs a therapist who is a CSA victim specialist to help her sort this out.
Nora Harlow: I hope you all understand that without the details of the specific cases, my answers are general.
Shannon H: That's the role she is most comfortable with, I guess. Would this person need to get into counseling to address the sexual abuse or the lack of empowerment first?
Nora Harlow: Most important. Parents can successfully raise CSA children with the knowledge we have now.
nicos_mom: What is CSA? I'm not familiar.
Nora Harlow: Address the sexual abuse. She also needs both.
Nora Harlow: CSA is shorthand for child sexual abuse.
Nora Harlow: Thanks for helping me clarify.
nicos_mom: Thanks.
Nora Harlow: Not all children who have suffered CSA have major problems. The children with problems, many times, the problems decline over time.
Nora Harlow: So much depends on the family's reaction
Nora Harlow: If the family is hysterical and grossed out. The child will develop more problems
Nora Harlow: If the abuse is public, appears in the paper, greater problems.
Veda: MODERATOR: We have about ten minutes left on our CHAT. Ms. Harlow would you like to share more resources at this time?
lisa: what about trust issues? do children who have been abused tend to trsut adults less?
Nora Harlow: If parents have difficulty talking about sex, greater problems
Nora Harlow: That's the challenge, lisa, to regain the child's trust.
Nora Harlow: You can do that. Mainly, by not being emotional, when the child does an inappropriate sexual behavior, she has been taught by her abuser...
Nora Harlow: Instead, you point out the appropriate behavior to the child in a matter of fact fashion...
Nora Harlow: You may have to do this repeatedly since children need many repetitions to learn and many repetitions to trust
Shannon H: I was approached very recently by someone who wants to find their birth family, but knows they were sexually abused at a very young age which led to her placement. She is wanting information because she has developed a serious medical condition, but is afraid of opening up a can of worms outside her more immediate need. Is there specialized counseling she could get before the contact is made with them to help her prepare for teh emotions she will feel upon talking with them? It is a very unique situation.
Nora Harlow: Please go to our website:www.stopchildmolestation.org.
Nora Harlow: The book I wrote with Dr. Abel is for families...
Nora Harlow: It shows 5 families with children 7 years to 16 years dealing successfully with CSA.
Nora Harlow: And there are many resources listed in the back of the book. Also many resources and much general CSA information on the website.
cindy: shannon wouldn't the reunion registry be able to get her the information without having to have direct contact with the family?
Nora Harlow: Shannon, this is a unique problem. She shouldn't assume that the medical condition is a result...
Nora Harlow: of her being victimized.
lisa: is that book in the lending library?
Nora Harlow: In therapy she should separate these two issues.
Nora Harlow: Remember, you can protect the CSA child. These children need strong protectors who will teach them sexually appropriate behavior in a loving manner. And, who will pledge their protection.
Veda: Ms. Harlow this has been a wonderful CHAT! We would like to thank you for being a CHAT Presenter this evening. You have provided our CHAT members with info. and resources that will assist them in parenting a child who's been a victim of CSA. We do have Ms. Harlow's book in our Lending Library.
Nora Harlow: Thank you for giving me this chance to share our research.
Veda: Certainly, maybe we can get you back for a part two in the future. Thanks again for the wealth of information.
lisa s: Thank you.
lisa s: - has left the chat -
Shannon H: - has left the chat -
lisa: thanks for all the info
Nora Harlow: - has left the chat -
chatadmin: You have really enlighted us this evening.. Thankyou..
chatadmin: You have really enlighted us this evening.. Thankyou..
lisa: - has left the chat -
cindy: thank you for the insight
Anna G: - has left the chat -
Veda: This ends our CHAT with Ms. Harlow. On behalf of the GA. Center thank you for joining us this evening. Please contact us if you would like to check out her book.