Separation and Loss From A Foster Parents Perspective- Gloria Daniel, MSW

The opinions and statements made in this chat session belong to the individuals posting them and appear in unedited form to promote the free exchange of information. However, they may not represent the views and/or policies of the Georgia Center for Resources and Support.

Judy: Gloria Please share a little about your experience with foster and adoptive families

lee daniel: Have been a clinical social worker for 42 years, and supervisor of resource development for Region Iv for 15.

Judy: Why do foster parents or adoptive parents need to be loss experts?

lee daniel: Currently own a consulting and training company training foster parents and staffs all over the country, We cover various topics

lee daniel: They need to be able to read the behaviors of the children in their home as they relate to pain the child is in. How it might affect them developmentally and emotionally.

lee daniel: It affects development by delaying his/her gross motor skills, language, communication skills. It can be delayed as much as 18 months in some children.

lee daniel: For instance an infant under two, might sleep 20 hours out of 24, just to keep from facing the pain of the primary caretaker not being there.

Shannon H: So treatment for depression is key to aleviating some of the symptoms?

chatadmin: Gloria,How can Foster parents soothe the feelings of the other children who are grieving the loss?

lee daniel: Depression in young children is hard to read. Usually they act out their depression with anger and outburst of frustration.

Shannon H: And the children are usually seen as troublemakers when they really need to be looked at as depressed. I bet that is misread alot!

lee daniel: By using proactive parenting. Learn to listen, be aware of behaivor. Keep journals , so after time you can see patterns that will jump at you, and help you read the child better. Pain can be a shared experience , as long as you understand each of the children in the home will grieve in a different way, at the same time.

Belinda: Is it common for children under 3 to suffer depression while grieving the loss of foster parents that they have lived with since birth?

lee daniel: Absolutely, many children are diagnoised as opopositional defiant , when they are just pissed off and angry about the separation from parents, or most often peerss.

lee daniel: It can be anticicpated, and headed off, when the move is planned, new parents can take a blanket from the foster home, that has that home's smells, the mother's perfume, and sent used in the house a lot like vanillia.

lee daniel: There are tips that you can share with foster or adoptive parents to help the young child over the loss in a positive way. It is when they are moved suddenly and without preparation is when permanet damage is done.

Shannon H: How do you tell when depression is situational or part of a disorder, such as bipolarity?

lee daniel: I recommend daily journals which can be a cheap spiral notebook. Make notes of good and bad events of the day. An explosive episode, can be described as what happend just prior to and after etc. List what behaivors you see.

Gigi: What about visits? One of our former foster children was always so aggressiave and hard to deal with after a visit with his bio. Mom.

lee daniel: When a child can not be brought out of a depression in three months, I would seek professional assistance. Do play therapy yourself. Get playhouse and let the child share about people in that home. Fears and pain are often brought out in this manner in a nonthreatening way.

lee daniel: You can expect this as surely as the sun comes up. Accept that this will be a continued pain. Just acknolwledge it by saying "this visit seems to make Sam sad". At times, I have seen judges read those journals, when asked.

lee daniel: Say to the child,"I know your are angry and that you miss your mother. Maybe you would like to draw her a picture, or tell me how you feel".

Ildiko: What about the foster parents' grief? I had to give two little girls back recently, and it nearly tore my heart out. Even now, months later, I still get teary when I think of them. The new foster home has made no contact.

Ildiko: I guess, I still feel responsible for "sending them back". Maybe that's why I have such a hard time letting go. Maybe because they were our first "assignment". ???

lee daniel: Hopefully, preparation was made before the move. If not that is a shame, unless it was a CPS reason. Children need to know that you gave your permission or them to leave you. Look at it as for a time, you demonstrated to them all the love you could. They will be impacted by that their whole life. You have made your contribution, and must grieve your own loss and move on to the next child.

lee daniel: If it was your decision, really look at why you made that decision and share with your worker what those reasons were. This will help them not make the mistake again. To say this is over our heard is o.k. just learn fromt and know your own strengths and weaknesses.

Dana: My family had to return two children but we were allowed weekly visits and it really seemed to help

Judy: Gloria, There was a question asked earlier that I don't think was answered "How can Foster Parents soothe the feelings of other children grieving the loss?"

Ildiko: We didn't tell them until the day before the move. But I did tell them that they will be loved where they are going, and missed at our house.

lee daniel: This is the mature and therapudic way to deal with moving. Many ti mes, it is something many staff do not take time to do. They fail to realize that the children will react to every move they will ever make, no matter what outcome.

lee daniel: Joy, real joy. Show them moveis like , Polyanna, Free Willey, I and II. These help demonstrate in a visual way why they are so much in pain. Acknowledge that pain, share with them a painful experience you have had yourself, a loss. They need to know it is o.k. to be sad for a while, but that we want to see some happy things, like the sunshine, or a beautiful day and rejoyce. Help them do something for another member of the family or a pet.

chatadmin: Gloria,Any suggestions on what the foster parent can do to take care of themselves? Their grief has to be worked through quickly to prepare for another child entering their home..

lee daniel: " time between children. Workers should understand this, and I always include this in worker training. The foster parent has to have time to de escalate and feel that pain in order to move on. A new child does not replace the one that is lost.

Belinda: There should be a break but it doesn't usually work out that way.

chatadmin: Sometimes times there isn't time. They may get a call within the same week.. How do they handle that?

lee daniel: The foster parent is in control of when and how they accept children. Just say, I need a break to get through losing he girls, before I take on my new challenge.

lee daniel: Foster parents have more control than they think. You can have certain expectations of how you wil be treated, and stick to that. Believe me, they will call you again. Do not feel guilty, when you say no. That is not your problem.

Shannon H: I think alot of parents are afraid that they will not be chosen to foster again if they say no, but the reality is, the next call might come too soon.

lee daniel: As I stated above, foster parents must accept their role, and how they choose to play it out. If they wan to be profesisonal parents, and be therapudic in nature, they need to have a clear head, and open heart to do a good job with the next child. This time re charges them and gives them a feeling of being in control and willing to go that extra mile with the next child.

Judy: What are some symptoms of a child having anxiety about separation and loss?

lee daniel: Failing to give eye contact, engaging in superficial way with family members, no control over impulses, easily distracted, abnomal eating patterns, fighting with other children in the home, or just venting out at the "mother figure" only. again the journal is helpful in keepign up with this kind of response.

Shannon H: Do you see children adapting better or about the same if they get into the same foster home as their siblings?

lee daniel: I always like to have sibling together, unless there are underlying factors in which this would not be productive for either of the children. An older sister, placed with younger sibs will want to continue to parent. THis must be handled carefully. You can not remove a job, unless you have something to replace it. If they have had sexual contact, it is sometimes better to separate them at least at first. This behavior is hard to break.

lee daniel: Sometimes one sib threatens plysially other sibl, and his needs may need individual attention.

Shannon H: I think in the situations where the children are told "the day of" the move, is hardest. If a parent is thinking that they want a child removed, how much time should they give the child to adapt to this diecision?

lee daniel: At least several, with some candid discussion with the child as to why. If not, the child will imagine all sorts of things. Many times, foster parents are reluctant to tfell chid, because they feel guilty. This is o.k. but just be hones. I could not meet your needs, maybe someone else can do better.

lee daniel: We care about you and want what is the best parents out there, and Lee and I just can not seem to help right now. It does not mean we did not love you.

Shannon H: Alot of parents might be afraid of the fallout, but in reality, the ones who find themselves dealing with most of it are in the next home they go to, or the worker who transports them. Do workers try to set up a dialogue between foster parents in these situations?

lee daniel: Absolutely, they need to know it hurts you to see them leave, and that you will miss them,

lee daniel: Most workers in all honesty, do not feel comfortable setting up dialogue between foster parents. It would be wonderful if we could get to that point, but we have a long way to go.

Shannon H: I'm thinking this could give everyone insight into the issues that came up, and better prepare the next home for what occurred to cause the removal. But I see how it might be difficult. Lots of emotions.......

lee daniel: Vunerability if frightening to everyone. But the child needs honesty, good communication skills and guts to face that pain. Accept the fact that others should do it, but may not. Learn ways to deal with your own pain to get you through . It is just like grief counseling.

lee daniel: "We just want to make you safe, and hope that you will find how good life is in your own way".

Ildiko: What do you tell your birth children (if any) about the "missing" foster kids? We told them that the girls were moved to a home where they could be better taken care of. Still, it was hard for my younger one. He keeps asking where the girls are and how they are doing.

lee daniel: Foster parents want so much to share these kinds of feelings, but feel reluctant to even discuss with worker, much less show this vunerability to other foster parents.

Ildiko: Again. Honesty. But he was hurt when they didn't show up at his birthday party (which we sent invitations to them through the case worker)

lee daniel: Say to your children,"what do you hope they are doing right now. Let them draw pictues, if old enough write stories to send thru worker to the children letting them know how much your children miss them. This is not inappropriate.

lee daniel: Everyone needs to remember, it is what is in the best interest of the CHILD. Sometimes we loose focus on this.

Shannon H: Ildiko, it sounds like you are a very good home to children! Inviting them to the party was a wonderful "bridging" activity!

lee daniel: It appears that new family does not want contact. Simply ask worker why not.

Shannon H: I imagine the biggest challenge to helping with separation and grief comes when TPR is imminent. It is so final. Any words of advice on how foster parents manage that hurdle, especially if they are not the one who will adopt the children?

lee daniel: Read Peter Robbit, or stories about Superman. Remember he was a foster child too.,

Ildiko: We have absolutely no idea where the girls went. I saw them at DFCS last week, and the older girl was bobbing trying to get around the driver to "see my mommy". I asked if it was OK to give them hugs and kisses and they smiled. It was so good to see them.

lee daniel: Ideally agencies should be encouaged to have one woker who works to prepare children for move into adoption if they are not being adopted by foster parents. I did and it worked beautifully as long as management let it happen. It was so powerful.

lee daniel: Children have enough room in their hearts to love a lot of people, the question is do we?

Judy: Wow! This hour has gone by so quickly. Gloria do you have closing remarks/advice for all of us?

lee daniel: When we had strong Resource Develop,ment Units, it happend and it was wonderful. But like a lot of things lately, it was dropped just as R.D. is getting dropped.

cindy: what are some of the reasons why children are moved from one foster home to another?

lee daniel: Anyone wanting to communicate more. contact me at ldaniel@numail.org any time. Do reserach on your own . Look at Dee Paddock, Vera Falhberg and Burce Perry's work. It is enlightenikng. Had a great time. See you all soon.

lee daniel: Only reason children should be moved would be a Child Protective issue, or foster parents just throughting in towel.

Judy: Gloria, Thank you so much for sharing with us tonight. It was very informative and helpful to all of us. Hopefully we can use it to enrich those children who pass through out lives. Thank you and Good night.

Separation and Loss From A Foster Parents Perspective- Gloria Daniel, MSW

Monday, the 24th of January 2005