Cheryl: Good Evening Everyone! One of the most important factors in talking to your child about adoption is you yourself first feeling comfortable with the subject. A question that many ask is When should I start talking to my child about his/her adoption? My response is always as soon as possible. Introduce the information little by little...almost in a building block fashion.

  Cheryl: Children absorb information gradually over the years so as a parent you should not feel the pressure of telling them everything all at once.

  Laveda: What would you suggest for parents who aren't comfortable with approaching the topic with a child they received as an infant?

  Cheryl: I tell families that a children are very smart and they will be able to sense if you are uncomfortable with the situation. As the saying goes...practice makes perfect. I would encourage families who adopt infants to begin talking to their child even if they do not understand what you are saying. This will not only give you practice in what you say, but also it will help you feel more comfortable with the subject.

  Laveda: I have had parents with 7, 10 , and even 12 year old children that they have not shared their adoption story with yet because they never felt it was the right time. What might be your reply to these parents who did not begin early, in approaching their older child?

  Judy: - has joined the chat -

  chatadmin: What approach is helpful to parents when information about the birth parent is very limited?

  Cheryl: Talking to you child about adoption is not an easy task because the conversation usually involves telling a child about issues of loss and reject. However, not telling could be even more deterimental to the child/parent relationship.

  Laveda: Cheryl can you speak to why it is important to share with a child that they have been adopted?

  sonya: What would you suggest, if you have little information but your child is very persistent?

  Cheryl: I tell families never to lie or make up information. If information is very limited, use information that you do know. For instance, if your child is very artistic, you may say to him/her, you are so artistic, I bet you may get that talent from you birth mother. This can start a conversation about the child's birth family.

  Cheryl: It is also okay to say you don't know when your child asks you a question about their birth family that you do not have the answer to.

  Kim: At what age do you suggest giving all the information?

  Judy: Adding to Kim's question, especially the neglect and/or abuse. How and when do you handle this?

  Cheryl: It is absolutely crucial in my opinion to share with a child that they have been adopted. First, it is apart of their personal life history. It's important for the child to know where they come from. Also, you do not want the child to find out about their adoption from someone other than their parents...this can be devastating!

  Kim: My child already knows she is adopted but at what point do I give her more information or all of the information

  sonya: If it was a closed adoption, and your child wants to know names and what the birth parents look like what do you suggest?

  Cheryl: There are varying opinions on when to start having this conversation with children. I also think that it depends on the child's developmental stage and what he/she can comprehend. My opinion is that a child should be told as they are learning where babies come from but definitely by the time they enter school.

  Laveda: Cheryl before you leave us tonight would you share a short list of some of your specific suggestions for parents that they can use to approach this topic, i.e. how to use the Lifebook.

  Cheryl: Kim, I think you feed her information as she needs it. She will start asking questions when she wants to know more.

  Kim: What do you suggest when bad adoption experiences are shared in front of your child I am a fanatic about sharing good stories and explaining how wonderful adoption is to me.

  Cheryl: Sonya, I would recommend contacting the GA Adoption Reunion Registry at 404-657-3555. As an adoptive parent, you can request a non-identifying narrative that may give you child more insight into her birth family. When she reaches 18 years old, she can petition the Court to open her sealed adoption file.

  Kim: - has joined the chat -

  Cheryl: I think the lifebook is one of the best tools a family can have to talk to their child about their adoption. This is a tangible item that a child can look back on their past. And once the child is placed with you, you can continue to add to the Lifebook as they grow and develop. If your child comes to you without a lifebook, you could develop a picture time line. This can be developed by the information given at the presentation. You and your child can draw pictures of former foster parents/caregiver's and any memories the child has of past. There are also many children's that are great. Read about adoption to your child can help your child feel comfortable in talking about their own adoption. I also think it is helpful for adopted children to know other adopted children. So seeking out other adoptive families so children can talk about adoption with other children that have also experienced it. Support Groups!!!

  Cheryl: Judy, talking to your child about neglect and abuse can be very difficult. One of the most difficult parts about having this conversation with you child is being honest and not depicting their birth parents as bad people (even if that is how you feel). It is okay to talk about the behaviors that led to the child coming into foster care or birth parent making a decision to place child for adoption. The important thing to remember is that you know your child best and so you know what they can/cannot handle. It is difficult to see our children in pain. If your child has an extensive abuse history, you may not want to share the extent of it until he/she is a young adult. But, he/she should know.

  Laveda: Realizing that there are sooo many different situations that parents find themselves in

  Cheryl: Kim, you do have people in this world who try to demonize adoption for whatever reason. I think you child is going to be more influenced by your attitude about adoption. If you have a positive attitude about it, then your child most likely will share that attitude. When someone shares a negative story about adoption, i think it is important for you to conteract that with something positive about adoption that you and your family have experienced.

  Laveda: when it comes to addressing adoption; one that comes up alot is how to talk with 2 or more children coming from different families/backgrounds about their adoption...especially if one is open; another semi open; and another closed. How might a parent approach their children?

  Laveda: Cheryl as our hour is coming to an end, one final question--How might having 2 or more children with different adoption stories affect the Parent/Child relationship?

  Cheryl: One of the most important things to remember is to show your child that you are willing to talk about their adoption...no matter how hard it is.

  sonya: thank you Cheryl for sharing with us tonight.

  sonya: - has left the chat -

  chatadmin: Thanks Cheryl

  Laveda: Cheryl, the Georgia Center would certainly like to "Thank You" for joining us this evening and sharing your knowledge and experience with all of us. Good night everyone and thank you for joining our chat tonite.

  Kim: Thank you Cheryl for all the good information!

  Cheryl: As a parent you what to empathize with both children and their stories.

  Judy: Cheryl, thank you for sharing with us.

  Cheryl: Thanks for having me!! You all had Great Questions. Good luck in having the adoption conversation with your children. I know you all will do GREAT!!!!!

  Laveda: Thank you Cheryl. You have provided many wonderful ideas for any parent who reads this Chat.