with Dr. Wendy Hanevold, Ph.D.

Tuesday, the 5th of May 2009

dapper36: Good evening everyone tonight our topic is "Giving your Adopted Child the True Story." with Dr. Wendy Hanevold.

dapper36: Wendy Haus Hanevold, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in working with families (parents, couples, children and adolescents) who are undergoing major life transitions (foster care placement, Kinship care, adoption, divorce and step-families). Her interests revolve around building positive and healthy attachments, acceptance of grief and loss issues, and helping children and families bloom where they are planted. The creation of successful parenting teams is a key component in her work and training. Dr. Hanevold maintains a private practice in Atlanta and Roswell specializing in children, teens and families struggling with attachment and other disorders secondary to complex trauma. Wendy is a popular lecturer in child, teen and family, assessment ,coaching and treatment. Her website is www.wovenfamilies.com

chatadmin: Hello Dr. Wendy. When giving your adopted child the True story when are you suggesting parent's begin the telling of their child's adoption Story?

drwendy: How many folks have you told the story of your adopted child's early years? ?

dapper36: I have told maybe 10 people.

drwendy: the more folks that know the story-the more important it is to tell the most complete story possible

dapper36: When telling the story to the child how much should we tell them.

drwendy: You want your child to learn the details from you and no one else

drwendy: Always base your telling on your child's emotional and social age

drwendy: Never Lie!

dapper36: This is true. But if the story is so horrible how can we make it better so they want feel unloved or confused.

drwendy: Parents are the guardians of their adoptive child's story- it is not their story- it is the childs

drwendy: By the time a child is a teenager -he/she needs their whole story

pj_mommy: when is the "right" age to tell your child?

dapper36: Do you suggest reading the books from birth if you have a birth adoption? ?

drwendy: What do you mean by horrible? The child is often aware of parts of the truth. It is best to give them the whole story

drwendy: For example- if a child's father murdered their mother

drwendy: Begin by telling them their mother is dead and later telling them the full story-even reading the newspaper reports

drwendy: You should use adoption language from day 1 -including books

drwendy: Children need the words birth parent, birth mother, adoptive parent, mother etc. in order to understand their story

dapper36: Yes that would be horrible, also if the mom abused them and left them in the crack house, or if the mom never even seen you wanted you.

drwendy: Tell the story in homemade books- each book should be created for each age

dapper36: seen them and never wanted them. sorry

drwendy: Tell children their birth mother loved them. But she could not parent them

drwendy: Separate love from parenting

drwendy: Say- Your birthmom chose drugs over parenting you- this is very sad

drwendy: But we can parent you and we are here

drwendy: Half the time- the child knows some of their story but the need facts to make sense of it all

pj_mommy: in my situation the birth mother to one of our children is in and out of the picture as far as contact with me. she wants contact with the child but i dont want to confuse him. he was a baby the last time he seen her and now he is 4. should i let her have contact?

drwendy: I have never met a birthparent who did not want their child but rather they did not want to stop their personal life to parent

drwendy: This is the question about open vs. closed adoption. The adopive parent gets to decide how far to open an adoption. I recommend you read some books on open adoption- you don't need to recreate the wheel

drwendy: Again-tell your child- you are their mother and parent. the child should address their birth mother by first name or a different name if they have contact

drwendy: At the very least- write a list of questions about the birthmother and gather information for your child

Kimberly: We have always been told by therapist that it is best to tell the truth everything you know, do you agree with this?

drwendy: Great resources for talking about horrible storiesis the book Breaking the Silence by Linda Goodman

chatadmin: I am a Clinical Social Worker who placed an infant in an open adoption. The birth family stopped visiting when the child was 4 years old. Children do have memory at that age and this child was sad about not having the contact, she kept the picture of her birth family with her, slept with it, etc. The child did miss her family. They have reunited recently and all has gone very well.

drwendy: Tell the truth gradually- you are the expert on your child

drwendy: For example- If your child asks if they have birth brothers and sisters and you know the answer is yes-say Yes

drwendy: If they are asking the question- they are usually ready for the answer

dapper36: And then if they say in a mad fit somedays they want their other family how do we handle that.

drwendy: We need to remember we do not own our children

drwendy: The nature of adoption is the reality of two birth mothers/fathers but only one set of parents

drwendy: A birthmother loses her parental rights not her maternal rights

drwendy: I would never respond to an angry child's words re: their other family with any statement beyond: "You are really angry with me right now. You are my son/daughter forever" I would ignore the other family remark until they are in a quiet enough state to listen and talk

drwendy: Yes it hurts when they say the words about going to another family but how many of us yelled (or thought) to our biological mothers- I wish you weren't my mother or I wish Kathy's mom was my mom

drwendy: We need to always remember that our children are children

drwendy: Adopted kids have another Mom/Dad and this is real

drwendy: Another great book is Sherrie Eldridge's Tweny things adopted kids wish their parents knew

chatadmin: Dr. Wendy, when you mentioned the homemade books earlier...I'm wondering would those books look like or be similar to Life Books?

drwendy: When you create books/albums DO NOT call them life books

drwendy: These books always seem to end with the adoption-which is not the end of their life

drwendy: Call them biographies etc. Before they came to us can be titled "The early years" of Volume 1

chatadmin: Can you tell us what the created books look like.

drwendy: These books are not life books - they are designed to talk about the child's adoption story and are usually created by the parent and child (and or therapist)

Kimberly: Do you disagree with children having life books that are adopted from foster care?

drwendy: They should always begin with the child being born (just like everybody else) You can put in a picture of the hospital, the country etc.

chatadmin: Re: the Life Books I agree, many do, but they should go beyond the adoption. I agree, the adopted person's life continues.

drwendy: Then contiue the story to explain the reason for removal from birth homes (Your birthmom did not feed you or keep you safe) and continue how they arrived at your safe /forever home

drwendy: The book is revised again and again until by the teen-age years the child has their complete story

drwendy: Trust me on this- Secrets will come out- If you told 10 people for example- some of those people told other people- you need to give information yourself

drwendy: The more horrible the story- it is even more important that you tell the story

Cathy: Dr. Wendy,do you have any suggestions on how to talk to a teen that does not want to face the reality of being adopted?

drwendy: If the birthmother was 14- the child needs to know so she can understand her risk without being at risk for unconsciously repeating her mother's pattern

drwendy: As long as you told the story to the teen- it is not your job to have them face the reality- you did your part and they know the truth

drwendy: What are goals of having them face the reality of being adopted? ?

dapper36: Once the child is told he is adopted do most of them act out? And if the acting out continues do should we seek counseling?

Shannon H: - has joined the chat -

drwendy: I often work with the opposite problem with teens- they are happy to use both birth and adoptive families (emotionally) against each other

Cathy: I just want him to open up to me and express how he feels sometimes.

drwendy: They should have been told they were adopted from day one- before they even understood the word

drwendy: Yes- i recommend counseling for any child who is trying to grasp the personal meaning of their adoption story

drwendy: if a child does not open up- you might need counseling- you might need to guess how he feels or you might need to talk about a character in movie/tv show who is adopted

Cathy: My son has known about being adopted at an early age but he will not talk about it at all.

drwendy: To open up also means you have to be ready to hear the deep rage and pain at being "abandoned" by your birth mother

Kimberly: Do you think these children have shame about being adopted ?

drwendy: If a child does not want to talk about adoption (and boys are more common with this than girls) I would let it go and drop in "pebbles" or bits and pieces about adoption when the opportunity arises

Cindy: what if they still have trouble with understanding the concept of the birth mother putting their life style in front of the child, and she has know about adoption since the beginning, and refuses to go to counseling?

drwendy: I think most adoptees have incredible shame

drwendy: No matter what we say- they believe there most of been something wrong with them-especially when a birth mother kept other children

drwendy: I recommend the book "Primal Wound" and other books by adult adoptees

Kimberly: How do you help them deal with the shame , because from my perspective adoption was the most wonderful thing.

drwendy: If they are a teen-ager-I"d grab a moment when they choose something selfish over something giving (time with one friend over another) etc. and see if they can begin to understand

drwendy: Adoption always begins with sadness and loss. It is like an arranged marraige. You may have fallen in love but the child is thrust into a world with strangers and loss

Shannon H: I have a 26 year old adoptee who has just learned this fact, and his adoptive family cannot face the fact that he found out. They are extremely hostile and he cannot get the true story from them. He has already caught them in several lies. What resources are available to someone in this situation?

drwendy: Adoption met a parent's need to parent but the child has suffered the greatest loss possible

drwendy: Go to meetings with adult adoptees. Suzanne Clark is a wonderful resource in ATlanta

Shannon H: He learned he was adopted from an elderly aunt who was entering into dementia. She was not really aware she was dropping a bombshell. So I agre that the more people who know, the higher risk there is of someone telling him other than the people who should have!

chatadmin: In the Georgia Center's Lending Library we do have a quick time movie of Sherrie Eldridge talking to parents about her adoption, her grief box (this is a great tool) that has helped her deal with her loss, anger, grief, and other feelings. It is available for check out from the Lending Library. Dr. Wendy mentioned Sherrie Eldridge's book earlier. It too is available in our Lending Library.

drwendy: I have worked with adoptees who have been disinherited after seeking their birth parents and reuniting- it is a double primal wound

Shannon H: Absolutely!

drwendy: We love our adoptive children who made many of us parents

drwendy: But our love does not change the past

dapper36: Dr Wendy has shared some great information and resources for us we are almost at the end any final questions and Dr Wendy your last remarks.

drwendy: In many cases we need to get ready to tell our infertility story when our son's and daughters marry and are pregnant. They need to hear our truths as well

drwendy: Thank you for inviting me to this chat

Shannon H: Thank you for your informative chat. This will definitely help alot of people, no matter where they are in the process.

drwendy: We are not alone in this journey- our children, ourselves , adult adoptees, and professionals have walked this road before. You are not alone

Cathy: Thanks for so much for sharing this valuable information with us.

dapper36: On behalf of the GA Center we thank you very much Dr Wendy for your time. Don't forget the chats are always here to view later. Thank you all for joingn us