with Suzanne Clark, LPC

Tuesday, the 24th of February 2009

Shannon H: Welcome! Tonight's chat guest is Suzanne Clark. Our topic is "Helping the Biological Child Understand the Needs and Behaviors of Adopted Children". Suzanne, please tell us a little about yourself.

s m clark: Hello There.

Veda: - has joined the chat -

s m clark: I am a therapist in Roswell. I specialize in adoption related issues. I am also an adult adoptee. I have 17 years of experience working in the field of adoption

Shannon H: I guess the first question is, what is the biggest factor to consider when blending biological and adopted children?

s m clark: Probably the biggest factor is simply acknowleding that there will be issues between the children. It is healthy and normal.

Cindy S: - has joined the chat -

s m clark: Educating your biological children about adoption ahead of time can really help lay a successful foundation

Shannon H: What should parents tell their bio children?

s m clark: Explaining to biological children that the family is going to be expanding, and how the family will be expanding is important.

s m clark: Depending on the child's age,

s m clark: it is important to allow them to have input in the process

Shannon H: How much weight should parents give to the fact that their bio children might be resistive to adopted or foster children coming into the home?

s m clark: Resistance from bioligical children is a given, both before and after placement of the adopted child.

s m clark: Acknowleding the

s m clark: biological child's feelings is necessary, but also letting them know that the parents ultimately make the final decision

Shannon H: Is the age of the child coming into the home a big factor, regarding a sort of "birth order"?

s m clark: It is important, also, to make a decision as a family that adoption is as final and permanent as having a bioligical child - that way, when issues arise, everyone remains committed to staying together as a family

Judy: - has joined the chat -

s m clark: Respecting birth order is important, and a good thing to do whenever possible

fostermamma: - has joined the chat -

s m clark: The oldest child s

s m clark: I'm sorry. i had to log in again. i'm back

Shannon H: Have you seen it work well when the birth order is disrupted, or is it a given that there might be problems?

s m clark: I have definitely seen it work when birth order is disrupted, it just adds an additional issue when it is disrupted.

s m clark: Communicating regularly as a family throughout the process really helps

s m clark: regulary family meetings, a family plan - mission statement, and a strong commitment make all the difference

fostermamma: I don't believe that one should ever disturb the birth order

s m clark: it great to try to avoid it, but sometimes it happens when you don't plan on it - for instance, adopting a sibling group

Shannon H: What needs and behaviors should the parents anticipate and how should they incorporate this knowledge into their discussion with the bio children?

fostermamma: If a relative adoption is pending, it's also sometimes impossible to avoid but for domestic or simply adoption out of foster care, I think it's best to try to stay at least a year younger than your youngest. just my opinion though

Veda: Ms. Clark have you seen it work better if the child placed is younger than the all of the children in the birth family vs. placing an older child in front of the oldest?

s m clark: Preparing your biological child that rules and consequences may, at first, be different for each child - this seems to be where sibling issues arise

s m clark: Preparing your biological child that rules and consequences may, at first, be different for each child - this seems to be where sibling issues arise

s m clark: I have definitely seen all kinds of adoptions work, and also seen some fail, even if birth order is respected.

s m clark: As we all know, there are so many unexpected, unanticipated issues that arise during adoption. It's really about being committed to see it through as a family

fostermamma: children will always have a honey moon period for not only the adopted but the bio children as well. Many times they may want to test to see if you really love them as much as you did or if the love has dwindled to be shared with another family member: that has taken your birth order?

s m clark:

Shannon H: I can imagine that bio children might be resentful when they feel the new children are getting special treatment or privileges. How can a parent address that?

fostermamma: Just food for thought

s m clark: Biological children will sometimes be resentful, but letting them know what your plan is ahead of time, and reminding them as the process unfolds is important

s m clark: They have to know

fostermamma: I think family meetings are always a good thing, everyone given their own time for feelings to be expressed but rules should be firm to make sure it doesn't get hurtful

s m clark: that their participation is important to the family

Veda: What are your thoughts on spacing? Some research supports spacing children 4-5years even when you are placing children for adoption. (The exception would be a sibling group)

s m clark: and, letting your children know what you expect of them, regularly letting them know, tends to help too

Judy: How do you help the biological child not feel left out and resentful when the adopted child is requiring so much extra attention and therapies.

fostermamma: how would you deal with childrne coming in with medications that they seem to be determine that the child needs, as in ADHD and prozac?

s m clark: ideally, it is good to have a solid amount of time between placements. i always say at least a year after finalization

fostermamma: do you mean 4 to 5 years apart in age or before placing another?

s m clark: It's always good to give consideration to what professionals tell you, but there is also something to be said for seeing how a child acts/behaves once they have been in your home for awhile and can relax and be themselves

Shannon H: WIth children of another nationality or culture coming in, what is important to share with bio children? What age can be included in this discussion?

s m clark: I always say that it's healthy for kids in foster care or waiting for an adoptive home to be anxious and depressed - very normal, i think, and not always fair that they are medicated for it

s m clark: anxiety and depression can sometimes be misdiagnosed as adhd, et

fostermamma: if they say that because the children are so medicated, they should be an only child in the home, do you know what research they may use for this thinking?

Veda: Hello, I was referring to age. I totally agree with a placement being finalized at minimum a year before another placement if at all possible.

s m clark: All kids, regardless of age, need to be included in some type of discussion - even if it is simply introducing little kids to the word adoption and sibling (brother/sister)

fostermamma: I don't agree with children ever being an only child if possible but again, my opinion

s m clark: It can be fun to educate older kids about a new nationality and culture

Shannon H: I've seen many parents discount very young children, thinking they won't understand or care.

s m clark: it's better to be safe than sorry. :) Even young kids will feel the change in the home, even though they may not know why they feel it

s m clark: and, eventually, parents will need to discuss with the young biological children because they will eventually be old enough to understand. if nothing else, it is good practice for the parents to begin adoption discussions with the family

Shannon H: How important is extended family in helping a family blend bio and adopted or foster children into their lives?

s m clark: Having the support of your extended family is certainly a big help. If the extended family is not supportive prior to the adoption, these issues need to be addressed or it will definitely cause problems later

Cindy S: how would you help both bio and adopted children understand that there are some people even family members that don't approve or accept adopted/foster children?

s m clark: Validating that the unacceptance is hurtful is key

s m clark: acknowleding it, and allowing the child to express the hurt it causes keeps things real

Veda: Speaking of dealing with extended family; what type of discussions/activities would you suggest for families for addressing attitudes at school...outside of the home?

s m clark: you (usually) can't change how family members act/feel, but you can advocate and talk to your child about it

fostermamma: I have felt that is difficult in that you may never gain acceptance from some family members. When it's an older relative such as a grandma, we've explained with the ' just respect her cause she's old' reason and let them know that all the others have no problem, if in fact that is the case. are there other suggestions we can use other than staying away from them?

s m clark: Being willing to listen to your family, and giving them room to become adjusted to being part of an adoptive family is important.

s m clark: if, after time, they do not adjust and are hurtful to your child, then you protect your child from them.

Shannon H: Are there special ways to discuss the addition of a child with a background of sexual abuse with bio children? Certainly something that needs to be addressed....

Shannon H: It could be shocking or bewildering if there are behaviors the bio children are not used to.

s m clark: Yes. and this is a big one.

s m clark: I suggest talking to your bio child about adoption generally prior to placement. Then, immediately prior to placement you (and you partner/spouse) come up with concrete house rules for the family, i.e. doors open unless dressing, only one person in the bathroom at a time, etc.

s m clark: At the time of placement, sit down together, as a family, and discuss house rules - explain that this keeps everyone safe

s m clark: There is no need to disclose the adopted child's history to the bio child. But, it is important to keep everyone safe

s m clark: also, explaining bio sibs and other family members that the new sibling has come from a very different background

s m clark: there homes have been different, they don't know what being in a family is about, they don

s m clark: 't know how to keep friends long term because they haven't had the opportunity, etc

Shannon H: I think some of the language associated with sexual knowledge that might be used can be shocking to a child who has never been exposed to it. Maybe a discussion about what is appropriate language or what a word means, if possible.

s m clark: If sexual abuse is an issue, deal w/ the behaviors related to this abuse as they happen.

s m clark: Yes. absolutely

Shannon H: That goes for any language that is inappropriate, I guess.

fostermamma: I think living the safe code is good, at least for a few months until you know for sure. We've had fosters that we had as a rule that on one could enter another's room unless an adult invited them with them, at least until you know, months later that they are ok

Veda: Most children are very hands on. Have you had any experience with using Lifebooks to ease the entry of a child into a new family that has one or more children already in the home? Any ideas on that?

fostermamma: Do you think that putting an alarm on the child's door as a precaution as instructed by therapists is labeling the child?

s m clark: Lifebooks are great - it's just good to let the adopted/foster child be part of the sharing the information and/or creating the info

s m clark: Putting an alarm on a door is an extreme measure, and not Usually necessary if the other rules/boundaries and made clear

fostermamma: Thank you, so do I

Shannon H: What is a good way to help children in the home prepare for the departure of a foster or adoptive child due to reunification, disruption, etc.? Especially other foster or adoptive children who might wonder if they are next (in the case of disruption)?

Cindy S: depending on the childs history, some children actually feel safe and in more control by having an alarm on the door

fostermamma: I can see it if children have been attacked

s m clark: I want to address disruption first because we are running out of time. This is something I feel very strongly about. With adoptive placement, disruption shouldn't be an option. Sending our biological children away is not an option when they misbehave. Adopted children should be given the same sense of security

s m clark: Giving adopted children a condition for living in your home isn't fair, and doesn't offer the security they need and deserve

fostermamma: Did you know there about about 7000 disrupted adoption annually in our country

s m clark: I didn't know the number. very sad

Shannon H: I totally agree, but the reality can be that it occurs more often than we like to think.

fostermamma: Those are only the ones that actually sent them back, not the ones that are struggling and don't like the kids

Shannon H: In the case of a child leaving, though, what is the best way to manage that discussion with other children in the home.

s m clark: Reunification is sad for the foster/adoptive family, and it is important to allow everyone the time/space to experience the sadness - but, equally important, is celebrating the child returning to their bioligical family (even when we don't always agree with the reunification plan) :)

s m clark: Also, celebrating the time you had with the adopted/foster child

dapper36: - has joined the chat -

s m clark: Allowing bio kids to share what they enjoyed, what they will miss, and what they won'

s m clark: won't miss

fostermamma: We always start way before the child leaves and talk about the impending departure and why it is about to happen, this is for foster. It doesn't make it less sad but they have time to get thier thoughts in place and hopefully the place that the child is going to is a good placement. When it's not, it's very hard for children and the adults alike to understand

s m clark: Yes - starting as early as possible is great

Veda: It is very sad for the children who live through one. Therefore it is imperative that children go in homes where everyone involved is feeling that the adoption is permanent. Again a lot can be said for the Lifebook that helps explain in type of disruption or a dissolusion.

fostermamma: WIth reunification, we always keep a copy of our lifebooks in case the permanent placement disrupts and the child comes back. Few come back with thier life books

crysti: - has left the chat -

s m clark: yes. and, talking to your adoptive child about previous disruptions is good - better than pretending they didn't occure

Shannon H: And it needs to include the whole family. I remember the days when children would come home to find other children gone. No one told them it was going to happen and it was just awful. It definitely needs to be addressed with everyone involved.

s m clark: yes, as much as possible include the whole family in most discussions - keep everyone connected

Veda: Great advisement for all of us. Thank you.

Shannon H: Suzanne, we are almost out of time, and I want to thank you for being so giving with your time and expertise. You have a lot of knowledge, and we thank you!

fostermamma: It is sad when a child needs to bring a picture to school for baby guessing and they ask if they can bring another baby's picture in and tell the class it's him, since he has none.

fostermamma: Thank you Shannon

s m clark: Very sad. And, a better thing to do is try to empower the child to tell the truth. keep things based in reality

fostermamma: I agree

Shannon H: Thank you all for coming. Great chat!

s m clark: Thank you very much for having me.

s m clark: I enjoyed it

Shannon H: Goodnight all!