with Anthony Bostic, MS

Tuesday, the 22nd of January 2008

metroatl1317: Good evening everyone. Our speaker for this chat is Mr. Anthony Bostic.

atbostic: Good Evening Everyone

sherray: - has joined the chat -

srj: Good evening

MsJohnson: Good Evening

metroatl1317: Mr. Bostic received his undergraduate degree from Morehouse University and received his graduate from Case Western University.

metroatl1317: Mr. Bostic, first question of the night. Why did you choose to adopt?

Judy: - has joined the chat -

Judy: - has joined the chat -

atbostic: I started out as a foster parent and loved it!

atbostic: I was ready to make a longer term ocommitment, structure a family and really commit to the long term development to c achild

atbostic: I've always wanted to parent and having natural children was never a main priority for me.

metroatl1317: Can you tell us about your experience with being a single adoptive parent.

atbostic: I get a lot of support from my family and friends and from his teachers.

chatadmin: Anthony, did you adopt as a teen? If,so what were so of the challenges you faced?

atbostic: it is challenging in that the bulk of the responsibility of course falls on me and combined with full time work and other duties it i a lot to manage, but it is certainly worth it.

atbostic: My son was placed with me at the age od 14 and he is now 15. Most of my foster sons were teenagers as well. I have a heart for teen. However, teens do come with thier challenges.

atbostic: such as....

atbostic: Adjusting to new authority... I'm dealing with talking back, rolling eyes, and challenging every other thing I say.

Veda: Mr. Bostic, what resources have been the most beneficial for you and your son since his placement in your home?

metroatl1317: You said sons, so can I assume you only adopt boys. Is there any particular reason why?

atbostic: While I know I need to be easy and give him time to adjust, there is still a certain amout of respect I require and rules that must be followed.

atbostic: There is something about the way teen and preteen girls roll thier eyes that I can not stand LOL LOL LOL LOL

metroatl1317: lol

atbostic: Seriously, I would consider a girl as a part of a sibling group. But my primarily focus is on boys who need a strong male role model.

sherray: What are your discipline techniques for his attitude? ?

atbostic: Seriously, I would consider a girl as a part of a sibling group. But my primarily focus is on boys who need a strong male role model.

MsJohnson: What are the requirements to be a foster parent? This is my first experience and very interested and excited to know more.

atbostic: MY adoption worker has been a great reaource for me, as well ss my family. My biggest resource have been my closest friends who have really stepped up to the plate.

srj: Have you, or anyone you know, had a younger son? My son was 9 months old when I brought him home. He is now five and I am having challenges.

lgrimes38: - has joined the chat -

atbostic: TO be a foster parent requires completing the IMPACT training, criminal background check, references, adequate living spaces and most importantly a heart for kids in need.

Veda: So it sounds like a foster or adoptive parent really needs to have a strong support system possibly to get them through the tougher days that come with adopting an older child?

atbostic: My youngest (in foster care) was 9 yrs old. As a single parent older kids are easier bcause they can do a littel more for themselves.

metroatl1317: Do you have any challenges as far as scool, after-school activities, etc..

atbostic: A strong support system helps. But I find that when people know that I am fostering or parenting they are eager to be supportive. With older kids, people know you are adopting. For me I basically popped up one day with a 14 year son.

Judy: Do you still foster now that you have adopted?

atbostic: I'm having some issues with his school performance. He did not have the best foundation in math or good study habits, so we fight abit about school performance. My adoption agency has found some funds to cover 25 hours of tutoring at Slyvan learning cente to help out.

metroatl1317: You commented that older kids can do more for themselves, but do you find that older kids are more head strong and set in their ways?

sherray: was it hard to get him to open up to you and be loved or did he want to be adopted

atbostic: No. I'm doing only adoption at this time. I do plan to adopt up to three and plan to atart on my second this fall.

cindy: What forms of discipline do you find work best with teens?

atbostic: He wanted to be adpted, and was quite eager to make it work. So much so that he got into the habit of telling me what he thought I wanted to hear. So we have spent a bit of time on lying and be truthfull and honest.

cathy: - has joined the chat -

MsJohnson: - has joined the chat -

atbostic: The ones my parents used, I'm not allowed too. LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL Seriously talking and explaining. Grounding him and loss of previledges and at time extra chores.

atbostic: I learn that he has not done his home or class work I make him do it even if the teacher won't give him credit for it.

metroatl1317: Do you feel as though those techniques are getting through to him?

atbostic: I meant when Iearn that he has not done......

MsJohnson: With being a single foster parent does the state contribute to your household income

MsJohnson: With being a single foster parent does the state contribute to your household income

atbostic: Yes, but not overnight. sometimes he will actually say something like "Dad, you were right about this or that" or " I tried that stategy and it worked."

atbostic: Yes, but he eats most of it. LOL LOL LOL I do recieve a monthly stipend which covers most of the expenses I incurr for him.

Veda: Mr. Bostic, when your son was placed for adoption what did you expect his adjustment period to be and has it been what you expected more or less?

atbostic: I'm a creative shopper and find ways to cut or reduce cost to make the money stretch.

metroatl1317: You commented about your support system. How did your family feel when you told them you were adopting and how do they get along with your son?

srj: Has your son, or foster sons, found it difficult not having a mother?

atbostic: I has been just about what I expected. In impact of the phase we went through of lying and being less than honest was more fustrating than I thought it would be.

metroatl1317: You commented about your support system. How did your family feel when you told them you were adopting and how do they get along with your son?

atbostic: But for the most part the adujustment has been reasonable.

atbostic: I have learned a lot about myself in the process (including how much like my parents I really am. LOL)

Shannon H: - has joined the chat -

metroatl1317: - has joined the chat -

Veda: The period after the "honeymoon" phase is usually the toughest for many parents. How did you handle he rolling of the eyes, etc. ? What suggestions would you give to other adopting parents for getting through tough periods?

atbostic: My family was very supportive. My sister interacts with him a lot as does her son. I'm still careful about how much time he spends around my mom only becuase she is old school and would have no torlerance for some of his behavior that she would see as disrespectful and inappropiate.

atbostic: Prayer Works!!!!!!

metroatl1317: - has joined the chat -

atbostic: I stay on his case about it. I model the behavior I want to see in him. Usually if he breaks eye contact when we are having seriously talks I will stop talking until he looks at me. When he sucks his teeth or roll eyes I will clearly point out that he did it and that it is inappropiate. At times their are consequences it he continues.

sherray: Does he ever complain about a mom he need a mom

atbostic: Not having mother? I think everyone feels some void not having one parent or the other (but misses the mother the most) however, I think I do a good enough job meeting thier basic developmental and nurturing needs that they do ok.

metroatl1317: Sorry, I lost my connection. How did your family feel about you adopting? How is the relationship between them and your son?

atbostic: I think becuase his foster placements have largely been single female and his teachers have been mostly male he enjoys having a dad. However, I don;t cuddle him as much as I think some of his mother figures have and he doesn't get over or away with as much.

cindy: how does your son deal with you dating?

atbostic: Family relationship: My family was very supportive. My sister interacts with him a lot as does her son. I'm still careful about how much time he spends around my mom only becuase she is old school and would have no torlerance for some of his behavior that she would see as disrespectful and inappropiate.

sherray: I am really proud of you and I really wish that there were more men out there like you. Do you encourage others to do what you did

MsJohnson: - has left the chat -

atbostic: He has seen me go out, but he is not really aware of any particular date (thier hasn't been many) and he hasn't met any one in that role. When I was fostering, they did met a couple of people I dated and dealt with it better than I thought.

brenda: - has joined the chat -

Shannon H: Do you think your criteria has changed in the type of potential mate you would ever consider, in regard to dating? Especially now that you are a parent?

atbostic: Encouragingly there are more and more single men serving a foster and adoptive parents.

brenda: what are topic of concern

brenda: I still am very hesitant to date since becoming an adoptive parent

atbostic: Any poential mate would have to have a heart for kids and be a good model. And they would have to be willing to co-parent.

metroatl1317: Does your son ever ask about his biological parents?

brenda: I find vdery few people understand my committment as an adoptive parent of a teenager

atbostic: In a way it is easier, becuase they won;t be your child's birth parent and niether are you. So they have a shot at developing a relatioship with the child that is signifcant and close.

atbostic: He was 14 when he was placed with me. He is fully aware of why his parents can;t parent him and is connected to aunt. (he goes to church with her every now and agian.)

brenda: some people have difficult understanding my choice to parent a teenager and the challenges that go with parenting.

metroatl1317: Does he have any siblings or is he an only child?

Veda: Mr. Bostic have you thought of possibly joining or starting a support group of single male adoptive fathers? Do you think that would be of benefit to you and your son?

srj: Have you had kids who did not understand why their biological parents could not parent them?

atbostic: Me too. People (including my mom) ask why would I want to give up my freedom or be burden with a child. The simple answer is that it brings me join. It is hard, challenging and fustrating at times, but it is worth it and gives me a greater sense of purpose.

atbostic: He hs a sister who is 21 and has a little girl of her own. They have not been in contact, through his aunt is trying to connect them.

brenda: I would love to meet a person that has an open mind to developing that kind of relationship and not want to take over telling me how to parent. My teenage daughter has good insight and wants me to get out more. She however is very watchful of what type of person that I may have interest in

atbostic: I think it would be of benifit and would be very willing facilitate such of group if there was interest. (I think it could be open to non-single adoptive males as well).

sherray: How long did it take for him to start calling you dad

atbostic: Most of the kids I fostered and the one I'm adopting are aware of most of the issues there parents face. The hard part is simply accepting that they can;t parent with forgiveness and not hating them for thier flaws.

Veda: In regard to the support group for single /non-single males we (the Georgia Center) can surely assist you with that and will follow up on that with you.

atbostic: Surprisingly he started calling me dad as son as he was placed with me. Some of my long term foster sons called me dad, ut it took a few months.

atbostic: I would certainly be willing to facilatate such a group.

brenda: my daughter has never had a male in her life and that concerns me. I have brothers but they lack the insight to understand her challenges. I wish I could find those males that would be positive in her life

metroatl1317: Anthony, when you start the process to adopt your second child, will you get input from your son?

atbostic: Foster and adoptive parenting is heart, but my reward that keep me going is hearing thier laughter, which tells me that I am doing something if they can foget thier troubles and thier past and enjoy a good hearty laugh.

brenda: I am concerned that she will lack many things that we take for granted

atbostic: Absolutely, I would get his insight on the second child.

metroatl1317: Will the next child be around the same age?

Shannon H: Brenda, there are several support groups listed on our website, depending on what region you reside in, that might help. At the very least, you might find someone who has faced these same challenges.

atbostic: Brenda: I would try being very direct with your brothers in the type of relationship you would like them to devleop with your daughter. Point out that it will help them with there own daughters possibly someday. A lot of men are simply not aware of thier role or thier value, but if you are specific, they might get it.

brenda: My daughter is very social and seems to adapt but is very secretive about any potential boyfriends. I think she is concerned that I may judge them and her since I am not actively dating. I wish I could reassure her that I have been a teen once upon a time.

atbostic: The son I have is very competitive at times so it would be best to keep him as the oldest, so yes the next one will be younger, but hopefuly no more than two years or so.

metroatl1317: You say he is competitive, is he involved in any sports or other activities?

atbostic: Just ask her about boys and boys friends and what she thinks about them. be casual with it so that she'll learn that you are open to such conversations. As appropiate share some of your formal stories especially if you suppect she is dealing with some boy stuff and is not sure ahow to open up about it.

Shannon H: Your son will probably be a mentor for a younger sibling, which is wonderful. Does he talk about your adopting for a second time much?

atbostic: He was on the swim team. and he plays video games with his frineds. But his is mostly compettitive in trying to one-up other poeple if that makes any sense.

cindy: I think it is wonderful that you have found the right combination of parent and child, I hope we are lucky enough to find more fathers like you.

atbostic: Not too often but we have talked about. He asked me if he was be involved in the process.

brenda: She is always telling me about her friends and their drama but nothing about herself. I reassure her that I know she has interest in someone. I notice in one of her notebooks that she threw away the name of a young man and a heart. She has many converstions but none specific about him.

atbostic: Another cahllenge for me was maturity. He is fourteen but often acts like a 12 or 13 year old. I know that this is common with children in care once they feel safe and secure, but it throws me off at times.

srj: - has left the chat -

atbostic: I have started my son reading some age appropiate novels that deal with some issue s I think he is dealing with. THis has help to jump start hard conversations.

metroatl1317: Could you elaborate, what type of childish behavior does he exhibit?

brenda: I have often seen my teenager write my name on pieces of paper in her notebook over and over. The last time I notice it was in her bedroom. I don't know if she has problems with reality or if she can't believe it is real.

metroatl1317: Brenda, you can find more information on our website or I will be ahappy to talk to you more offline

Shannon H: Brenda, your daughter sounds like mine. Just keep talking and keep it non-judgemental. She will eventually trust you enough to tell you things. But you will probably have to initiate alot of dialogue before that happens, to be honest.

atbostic: Really...just not showing the level of maturity and responsibleness of a 15 year old. Not paying attention. Sometimes giggling like a 12 year old when a coupl kiss on TV (15 year old should be past that - especially over a kiss). Some of the commpetitiveness (like I'm better than you stuff).

Shannon H: Does he have trouble interacting with peers?

metroatl1317: Are there any other questions?

Veda: I agree with Cindy, It sounds like you have a great deal of patience and understanding yet you have some expectations for your son. Both of you are fortunate to have found each other! Sounds like you have a good sense of humor...I'm sure that helps.

atbostic: I had a co-worker who used music to get through to her daughter. For example they were in the car and the song cam on title "I'm going down, cause you anit around". Her daught er was singing it, and she used that as a means of talking about not losing oneslf to a man, and being able to be independent when she has to be.

atbostic: It does, but I still find myself yelling more than I want too and lecturing for long periods of time. But it seems some of it gets through to him. He is a great kid and it really is a good fit.

atbostic: I will tell you that I have never apologize to my mother as much I have since I have been parenting. She just laughs at me enjoying me going through a lot of what I put her through.

brenda: I think she has been so detached from a parent so long that she does not believe that a person could truly be there for her and she writes in her essays that she should try to communicate more with her parent.

atbostic: Peers: he did. I was concern about some behavior issues at school with peers. But he has connect with some very positve kids in the neighborhood.

atbostic: I have let him have his friend over for a couple of sleep overs and yesterday took him and three of his friends to the Hawks game. This has helped him a great deal.

chatadmin: Mr. Bostic, This has been a wonderful session! Do we have any final quesions before we close?

Veda: Thank you Mr. Bostic for sharing your insights on parenting as a single parent with us.

Shannon H: Thank you so much for an informative glimpse into your life as a single dad. I am sure this chat will be very helpful to other potential single parents. Especially those wondering if this is the right choice for them.

Veda: - has left the chat -

atbostic: Thank you for the opportunity to share. I enjoyed it.

cathy: this is a great success story to share with other single parents that maybe thinking about adopting,thanks for sharing.

brenda: I also think that she feels that I will judge her based on things that she might say. I am concerned about her self esteem since her birth mother and father has serious issues and she remembers them but will never mention it.

metroatl1317: Mr. Bostic, I would like to thank you for taking the time out of you evening to speak with us.

lgrimes38: Thank you Mr. Bostic. So refreshing to hear from a wonderful single dad that took this challenge on. Your son is blessed to have you.