with Andrea Flowers,MS

Tuesday, the 6th of December 2005

The opinions and statements made in this chat session belong to the individuals posting them and appear in unedited form to promote the free exchange of information. However, they may not represent the views and/or policies of the Georgia Center for Resources and Support.

Kim: Tonight our Chat Topic is Blending Families and Holiday Traditions- When the Holidays are Not Such a Wonderful Life" Our facilitator is Andrea Flowers, MS, NCC, LAPC. Andrea is a counselor at 31 Stories, which is a private practice specializing in brief, purposeful therapy.

Andrea : Good evening. My name is Andrea Flowers, and I am going to be the facilitator tonight. I am pleased that Georgia Center for Resources and Support asked me to facilitate tonight. The topic tonight is “Blended Families and Holiday Traditions.” I welcome questions that you may have regarding the topic

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Kim: Andrea Could you tell us what your experience is with Foster and Adoptive families.

Andrea : My experience working with adoptive and foster families began during my internship experience at SafePath—a child advocacy center in Cobb County. I worked with children that were put into foster care in order to remove them from situations of abuse and provide them with a safe place to live and grow. I would provide counseling for the child and support/education for the (foster) parent. Finding resources was also an essential component. I greatly enjoyed that work and continue to do it.

riley: 1. Can you tell us a little more about your background?

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Andrea : The focus of my studies while receiving my master's degree was in working with children and families doing individual, group, and play therapy. My area of specialty included clients that had experienced trauma, such as sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. I continue to specialize in trauma related issues as well as chronic illness, physical illness, grief and loss, anxiety, depression, stress reduction, parenting issues, and personal growth. I work with adults, adolescents, families, therapy groups, and utilize play therapy with children.

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Kim: Andrea as you know the holidays are stressful for everyone but could you please share with us some positive ways to help with these stresses.

Andrea : Holidays are a stressful time—where to go, who to see, and how to do it—not to mention how holidays can trigger unpleasant past experiences, thoughts of loved ones no longer in one’s life

Andrea : There are positive aspects to the holidays too.

Kim: How can we help our children better cope with the loses and the holidays.

Andrea : I usually recommend to parents and caregivers, to take time for themselves. It is very difficult to take care of your children, if you are not caring for yourself first.

Andrea : Holidays (such as Christmas) used to be more community focused, but now are more focused within individual families. A “home for the holidays” is what is often heard. Family ties are strong, but so are family tensions. Fears of past experiences, inadequacies, and not being appreciated exude. Sibling rivalries may emerge, and everyone is more emotionally vulnerable.

Andrea : Tension can also ensue because some families and/or parents view the holidays as a time to make up for past choices. Holidays are not the time to repair relationships or make up for lost time.

Dana: Do You Have any suggestions for ways to ease stress and tension

Andrea : Dana, are you referring to the stress and tension that you face, or more about the family and your children?

DTaylor: As a foster parent. I try to emphasize the things that I can control like making a better life for the children in my care and I try to get them to focus on their future and not to dwell on the past or the things they cannot change.

Dana: The holidays can be overwhelming for me,our family is huge and getting bigger all the time, I would like to include everyone in everything but that is not possible

Andrea : Sounds like you are providing and encouraging environment that is very future oriented. In counseling, I also try to guide families toward the future, and how things can be changed for the better.

riley: It seems important to mourn the losses, even if it is uncomfortable during the holidays

Dana: Andrea, my son is here and he has a question, William is16, his question is: How do you deal with a child who practices a different religious holiday than your family does?

Andrea : Riley, yes it is important to mourn the losses.The holidays may trigger different things for different children, but most are reminded of past experiences (unresolved hurts, unanswered questions, unsettled conflicts, and loss of loved ones).

Andrea : William, blending traditions may vary depending on the age of the child when she/he is adopted. It may depend on their developmental ability to remember past traditions. Very young children may not remember any past traditions, but it is still very important to incorporate that child’s cultural traditions and heritage. A good suggestion might be for parents who adopt a child of a different culture to research rituals and traditions of their child’s culture and blend them into pre-existing rituals of the family.

Andrea : Food is something that can be very uniting. You might want to find a traditional dish of your child’s culture and incorporate it into your holiday meal. Find traditional toys of your child’s culture. Another way is decorations. Add to you décor something representative of your child’s heritage. Talk to several people that share your child’s heritage to find out if there is anything else that you may need to know. Talk to your child—see what she wants to incorporate.

Kim: Andrea what kind of advise can you give our parents concerning , gifts, at christmas, as parents we want to shower gifts, but kids that have past issues are not always able to appreciate what is given them. I have always been told to keep it simple, what do you think?

Andrea : Dana, When you celebrate his heritage as well as your own, you are celebrating all that he is and all that she is adding to your family. I try not to view it as singling your child out as different, but as celebrating how unique se is. It is important to teach your child to enjoy new traditions while continuing to embrace their own heritage.

Andrea : Kim, I agree to keep it simple. Tension can mount by the expectations that you place on the gifts.

Andrea : Tension can also ensue because some families and/or parents view the holidays as a time to make up for past choices. Holidays are not the time to repair relationships or make up for lost time.

Dana: William and I have another question, how would you help a family where the child comes to a home where Christmas is not acknowledged but the child has grown up with Christmas

DTaylor: I also think that it is important to take the emphasis off of so much gift giving. What if a child comes into your home and has not had much experience with gift giving or receiveing. I think you have to consider the message that you send to the child.

Andrea : Blending traditions and rituals is very important. Sometimes it is difficult to find a balance, and to blend the two traditions together. What do you think is a way that you could blend the two?

Kim: Do you have any suggestions on starting new traditions, with your foster and adoptive children. Do you have any examples or Ideas?

DTaylor: How do you deal with extreme sadness or depression in children during this time?

Andrea : One suggestion is for parents to take the time to explain the importance of old traditions. Tell stories of what used to happen and why they do the things they do. Look at old pictures. Draw a family tree. Let the new adopted child learn who people are in his/her new family, what they are like, and how he/she will now add to and benefit his/her new family.

Dana: Hello out there-

Andrea : Communication is key. Talk to your children. Try to find out what is being triggered so that you can try to come up with a resolution together.

Dana: ....

Dana: Kim, that is a great suggestion for starting new traditions together

Andrea : Dana, I understand that you were searching for a more concrete answer. One suggestion is talk about your value system and see which aspects you can blend, such as exchanging presents.

Kim: Andrea you mentioned Triggers could you tell us some of the things you have found that trigger our children during this season.

Andrea : Kim: Holidays often trigger pain and anger for both children and parents of blended families. Some of this pain and anger is due to changes in the predictability—the comfort of familiarity with previous traditions. Competition emerges when unfamiliar rituals are introduced. Questions arise such as, “Why do we have to do this?” “Our old way was better!” “Why can’t we do it the way my mom does?” “Why can’t things just be the way they used to be?”

Andrea : The holidays may trigger different things for different children, but most are reminded of past experiences (unresolved hurts, unanswered questions, unsettled conflicts, and loss of loved ones). Depending on the child’s previous situation, some thoughts and feelings may be related to 1.) Guilt for enjoying new home 2) Disloyal for “betraying (biological) parents” 3) Reminded of past fighting, abuse 4) Worry about whether new family will really love and accept 5)Not fitting in

DTaylor: Andrea, would that then be a good time to introduce the concept of change and how we must all endure some type of change in our lives?

Andrea : DTaylor: Yes, the holidays a wonderful time to teach lessons, learn about change, and exhibit flexibility and tolerance.

Dana: .....

Dana: ......

Kim: I have talked with many families that say they buy really nice gifts and the children destroy them do you have any suggestions for these parents on how to handle this.

DTaylor: Andrea, do you think it is possible to help these children get past 1-5, without having to re-visit the same issues each year?

Andrea : Kim, setting limits is a very difficult aspect of parenting. Explain to the children before they open the gifts that the gifts are not for destroying. Sometimes children need an outlet to be destructive. I always suggest to have toys that are for destroying so that children have options. (such as a bop bag)

Kim: Thats a good Idea.

Dana: Is it possible for biological children to feel a little slighted during the holiday season if you focused on including new tradition for adoptive/foster childred?

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Andrea : DTaylor: I heard a saying once that time does not heal all wounds, hard work does. So, yes, I do believe it is possible, as long as a positive support system is available and the child has an outlet to express him or herself.

Dana: .....

Kim: We only have a few minutes left , are there any more questions?

Dana: It does take a while to heal most wounds but they do with love and patience heal

Andrea : Dana: Biological children are often upset because now focus and attention is divided. The suggestion was offered earlier that this an excellent time to teach biological children about change and sharing. Enlist the biological child to incorportate a new traditions. Make him/her the teacher.

Dana: ....

Kim: I would like to thank Andrea for coming and for all the helpful information!

Andrea : I want to thank Georgia Center for Resources and Support for inviting me to be the facilitator this evening. I also want to thank everyone who participated in the chat, and I hope that the information will help many family during this (and future) holiday seasons. If anyone has any questions, please feel free to contact me at 31 Stories.

Kim: Happy Holidays Andrea! Thanks Again