| Challenging Issues of Adolescents Who Live in Transracial Families |
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with Wendy Hanevold,Ph.D. Monday, the 25th of July 2005 The opinions and statements made in this chat session belong to the individuals posting them and appear in unedited form to promote the free exchange of information. However, they may not represent the views and/or policies of the Georgia Center for Resources and Support. andreas: Tonight we have with us Dr. Wendy Hanevold, Phd. andreas: Child & Family Psychologist Dr Wendy: Good Evening andreas: Part of Dr. Wendy's practice encompasses Woven Families, which specializes in adoption & foster care Dr Wendy: Tonight's chat is focused on Teen identity issues when the teen lives in a multicultural or transracial family. andreas: Dr. Wendy, Would you like to open with anything before we start taking questions? Dr Wendy: The number one key for surviving the rocky shoals of creating a positive identity is the depth of attachment of the teen to his/her adoptive parents judy: - has joined the chat - Dr Wendy: The second key is knowledge of normal adolescent development chatadmin: - has joined the chat - andreas: What can a parent do to beging forming that attachment cindy: - has joined the chat - Dr Wendy: Assuming the teen was adopted as a child- the attachment should already be on a strong foundtion before the tricky identity issues of adolescence emerge Dr Wendy: Teens are beginning the process of leaving home- they will always be part of their family but need to begin to create their own family (family of friends) Dr Wendy: There are blessings and curses in being a teen in a multi-cultural, multiracial family Nancy: - has joined the chat - Shannon H: Do you feel that families who are adopting transculturally are being prepared effectively when they apply? I think many families don't think as far into the future as the teen years, since it seems so far away. How can this be done by caseworkers from the beginning? Dr Wendy: I think it is crucial for families to understand that they will become a family of color (or a multicultural family) from the day they adopte Dr Wendy: A white family will now be a transracial family Gigi: I know that kids can be cruel, do you have any suggestions on how to handle it when these issues come up. Dr Wendy: The more a family becomes a family of color the easier the teen years may be andreas: Shannon had a good question about what a caseworker can do? Dr Wendy: Lois Melina (author) advises that families become experts at listening judy: Can you clarify what you mean by "the mor a family become a family of color"? Dr Wendy: Lois suggests that the parents ask what happened, ask what the child feels, what did you do, what do you want me to do , how do you want to handle it next time Dr Wendy: Becoming a family of color means looking around at your life Dr Wendy: look at work, church (synagogue, mosque), neighborhhod, friends Dr Wendy: If your world is one shade or one group -think carefully before you adopt if you are not open to change. andreas: What if your extended family is not, but you are? Dr Wendy: you cannot be a Black or Hispanic or White Family with a child of different race. You become a transracial family Dana: - has joined the chat - Dr Wendy: If your extended family is hesitant to change-imagine the day when your =let's say white biological son starts dating a girl the color of your adoptive black son- prepare your extended family now Dr Wendy: You may actually have to choose between families if your extended family does not come around to the new world cindy: what if the teen seems to reject his/hers culture? Dr Wendy: Caseworkers need to educate themselves and explore their own beliefs about transracial adoption-this is ahot topic Shannon H: should families who have, shall we say, "resistant" extended family members seriously reconsider blending their family? Dr Wendy: Let's take a minute to define culture Dr Wendy: Many of our teens do not live in their "culture". They may feel black on the outside but white on the inside" or be New Yorkers when the world sees them as Indian Dr Wendy: Often they are rejecting the pain of rejection and abandonment from birth families Dr Wendy: Resistant extended family members are a trial Dr Wendy: They often transform but there is no promise andreas: What have you witnessed to be characteristics of families you have successfully blended cultures? Dr Wendy: Often extended family members can accept one race but not another-its a tricky question Dr Wendy: Successful blended cultures are usually built on a foundation of deep acceptance , attachment and love andreas: who have successfully blended Dr Wendy: The families live in a world of many colors and groups Dr Wendy: Often young teens appear to be a mess about their identity but if parents hold own they straighten up as they enter later adolescence and youth Dr Wendy: Your teens may try on their version of their culture Dr Wendy: This version if often made up from the media and imagination Dr Wendy: Make sure they have real positive role models Dr Wendy: Ask yourself how you will welcome your teen's culture into your home when they try on negative role models Dr Wendy: Or role models of a different class (often a class loyal to their birth parents) Shannon H: Getting back to what you were saying about letting them try on their culture, I once had a young Korean girl on my caseload who was adopted as a toddler, but chose to eat only kimchi and associate with other Korean children from ages 14-16. The family persevered and she came through it far more healthy than they anticipated because they did not 'freak out'. andreas: How should parents handle negative role models? Dr Wendy: These negative role models are often matches for our children's birth families-be very careful here andreas: Explain further? Dr Wendy: If the teen's behavior is only surface (clothes, music) you may not want to interfere Dr Wendy: Many of our teens are desparate for attention-negative attention is just fine-even better if parents "freak" Dr Wendy: Ask your teen to share movies, music- listen and learn Kim: - has joined the chat - Kim: - has joined the chat - Kim: - has joined the chat - Kim: - has joined the chat - Kim: - has joined the chat - Kim: - has joined the chat - Dr Wendy: Then explain about class and race Kim: - has joined the chat - Kim: - has joined the chat - Kim: - has joined the chat - Kim: - has joined the chat - Kim: - has joined the chat - Kim: - has joined the chat - Kim: - has joined the chat - Kim: - has joined the chat - Kim: - has joined the chat - Kim: - has joined the chat - Kim: - has joined the chat - Kim: - has joined the chat - Kim: - has joined the chat - Shannon H: I have concerns about a family I recently met that has made the statement, "well, she may be from Guatemala, but she is American now". I could almost see the door slamming shut! How should that be addressed? Kim: - has joined the chat - Kim: - has joined the chat - Kim: - has joined the chat - Kim: - has joined the chat - Kim: - has joined the chat - Kim: - has joined the chat - Kim: - has joined the chat - Kim: - has joined the chat - Dr Wendy: Class is usually the issue with negative stereotypes not race- Dr Wendy: I wish somebody had interviewed the family about their feelings about Guatemala before the adoption- thsir daughter is American-Guatemelan- what a blessing-many of us have only one culture-she has two Dr Wendy: My adult children are from El Salvador and India-they led us to places we never dreamed of- Shannon H: I agree! Dr Wendy: We were invited to Hindu temples, homes and places where as "white Americans" we may have never been welcomed Shannon H: Is it appropriate to immerse a child into classes that teach the language of their birth country from an early age? How has this been recieved by the children you have seen this with? Dr Wendy: If you have been living as a family of color-your children will be less likely to try on negative identities- friends and family will simply surround them when they want to join folks of their own culture Dr Wendy: It works if parent and child try to learn to Chinese- (for ex.) The child will learn Chinese the parents will try Dr Wendy: Culture camps are also controversial-the best work when the family goes to camp Shannon H: I know of one culture camp that just ended a couple of weeks ago. How does one find these? Dr Wendy: it is important that teens (esp. males) have family adult role models to talk to them about how to survive as a person of color in this culture- try watching a security guard follow your son in a store andreas: Have you experienced blended cultural families in which the children preferred to be 'just American'? If so, is this successful? Dr Wendy: Adoptive Families magazines links into culture camps on their site, also each international and transracial group has conferences and camps Dr Wendy: The kids are just American- my grandparents came off the boat, my Dad grew up speaking only Yiddish until age 5 and had to translate for his folks Shannon H: Do you find country-specific play groups to be beneficial? Thus far, the families I know who take part in these seems to do very well. Dr Wendy: I think families who do not have recent immigration history in their family or who are not minorities by color religion have a harder time with this concept Dr Wendy: My kids hated culture camps,play groups - they usually refused to go Dr Wendy: They hated being noticed every time we went to the store Dr Wendy: They loved their friends who were the children of my friends from different racial and ethnic groups Dr Wendy: They loved their friends (also adopted) but not artificial play groups-we went to these groups until one or two friendships emerged and then stopped Shannon H: Do you know of any thought provoking "tests" that families can partake of that helps them process the importance of heritage and culture in their own lives? Dr Wendy: Go to any place where you are the only White person, or Black Person or Jewish person. Or the only Anglo Dr Wendy: Spend time with folks in their world- how does it feel to be different? ? Dr Wendy: Often families only talk about the culture or ethnic group of their children- as if the parents do not have a culture or ethnic group or race. Dr Wendy: This makes the teen into some exotic creature while the family 's ethnic/racial/culture is seen as something different than the childs Dr Wendy: Parents need to know themselves. Everyone is a little bit racist, classist etc. Dr Wendy: You need to be hones about your own prejudices Dr Wendy: don't forget about the buggaboo of SEX Dr Wendy: Sex is a veryhot issue. Parents of peers may suddenly become very perturbed if their teen wants to date your teen Dr Wendy: How about when your biological children begin to date across racial/cultural lines? ? andreas: How do we handle this? Dr Wendy: Talk straight- the world is prejudiced Shannon H: I imagine this is when a parent truly knows whether they have educated themselves or not. Dr Wendy: Take a good look inside yourself- how are you reacting - Dr Wendy: Education is the beginning but living in a world of color is the true test Gigi: I bet that could be a real eye opener! Dr Wendy: Many a Korean adult has returned to Korea to explore their culture andreas: Being honest---the decision could lead to a hard row to how. Shannon H: What are some good books, videos, etc. to help with this? Dr Wendy: Afro-American youth want to live a black dorm-tell them to go for it Dr Wendy: Great book: Inside Transracial Adoption by Gail Steinberg and Beth Hall judy: GACRS has a video First Person Plural that addresses identity issues. Dr Wendy: Many books have a "political agenda" you may want to read them with the teen so you can discuss different points of view Shannon H: That is a fantastic video, Judy! Dr Wendy: Don't forget to look around your house-magazines, pictures what message are you sending andreas: Good question, Kim Dr Wendy: Listen to our teens they can be great teachers Shannon H: Are educators becoming more adept in dealing with the sensitivities re race, culture, etc.? That is sometimes the front line. Dr Wendy: Kim: Practice-Practice-Practice chatadmin: Dr. H. What has been your experience with teens who are soting through the person who they are and the name they were given? Dr Wendy: Practice snappy answers to stupid, rude and nosy questions with your teen- Dr Wendy: Kim go with the feelings -share their pain-let them know its ok and you are with them Dr Wendy: Teens need to be given their life story at a mature level-give them facts , details., Help them write (literally or orally) a clear version of their past Kim: The problem with family is that they are who we are looking for support and suddenly that has changed snappy answers within a family sometimes cause more stress and blow ups. andreas: Life books? Dr Wendy: If you have little info-tell them what you have- their original name was often part of the gift of life granted by their parent- it is theirs Dr Wendy: Snappy answers are for the teen to deal with teens-adults need to deal adult on adult with their families so the teens know they are protected Shannon H: Re the names they are given by their adoptive families...how is this seen by the child? So many families will choose a name that celebrates their culture, but how is it viewed by the child later? Are they often pleased to have this distinction or not? Dr Wendy: Teens will rebel against anything-so just relax- You also gave them a gift of a name- now they have choices andreas: We have about 10 min. remaining...are their any final questions tonight? Shannon H: Any other books, videos, etc. you can think of to promote regarding this? Dr Wendy: I recommend our teens read books about folks from their culture/race/ethnicity but not necessarily about adoption Dr Wendy: Identity is a tough go for any teen-esp. adopted teens-be patient-be supportive-be there andreas: ateam? Dr Wendy: I cannot wait to see the color/ethnicity of my future grandkids- A new world awaits- come join in Dr Wendy: A team is wonderful if the teen is comfortable Shannon H: Good multicultural therapists? andreas: Would the ATEAM be a good resource for teens? Dr Wendy: Good therapists are good multicultural therapists Gigi: I was just going to mention ATEAM. Ours is great in that respect. andreas: Dr. Wendy, any final comments? Dr Wendy: Just remember- deep attachment and love will get you and your teens through these challenging years. the journey is worth it- but can be a tough go- Gigi: This has been great. Thanks for the info. Kim: Thank you , good information, Goodnite andreas: Please see other chats with Dr. Wendy catalogued on our chat log Shannon H: - has left the chat - Dana: Thank your,this was quite informative andreas: Also, please join us for our next chat 8-22.... judy: Thank you for the insight. goodnight Dana: - has left the chat - cindy: thank you for a very imformative evening andreas: Debra Elber, Parent Mentor with the Dawson County School System, will guide a discussion on "A Different Kind of Roadtrip- Parenting A Child With Autism". Join us at 8pm in Chat Room 1. andreas: Thank you, Dr. Wendy for the great information. It has been an enlightening chat |
